Why Live Life From Dream to Dream?
by CalaisKenobi
Summary: But the eyes- the ever-changing eyes- were one thing the Padawan couldn’t hide. And it was the glazed depression reflected in the stormy orbs that told the Master all was not well, and the perfectly styled illusion was just that, the stuff of dreams. COMP
1. Default Chapter

Summary: "Why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?"   
  
Disclaimer: All hail GL and Will Jennings and Joe Sample for "One Day I'll Fly Away."   
  
*********************************************   
  
_Always the smiles. The smiles and the grins and the nods and the "thank you's." Smiling until it seemed my face would crack, but never once did the smile reach my eyes.   
  
Every award, every honor, every lightsaber opponent vanquished and conquered – I smiled through them all. And you just smiled right back. You were so proud, so certain that you had such a wonderful apprentice. You knew that you must have done something right; how could you not have when you had such a successful Padawan.   
  
And through it all, I just kept smiling. Nodding, grinning and offering thanks to all those that congratulated on my skill, or on your excellent teaching skills. Just smile and nod, nod and smile; and somehow you'll get through the day. _  
  
*********************************************   
  
He rose with the Coruscant dawn, entering the common area to find his apprentice already beginning the day's mediations. Smiling lightly as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, Qui-Gon made his way to the kitchen. Normally Obi-Wan would have the tea started before he arose, but today the Master wanted to do something nice for his apprentice.   
  
Reaching into the cupboard, he drew out the canister of hot chocolate that Bant had given to his Padawan on his last naming day. It was a running joke between the young Mon Calamarian and the fifteen-year old human; Bant always finding some new form of chocolate for Obi-Wan to enjoy. It was one of the few things the young apprentice ever showed a real joy for, and the special symbolism of it coming from a friend only made his eyes shine all the brighter.   
  
As he mixed a cup of the sweet mixture for his Padawan, Qui-Gon reflected on the joy he saw all too seldom in Obi-Wan. The young man was a stellar student, and an excellent athlete; with many close friends and very few rivals. He had much to be thankful for, yet he never seemed to really get any enjoyment out of anything. It was almost like he won each competition and garnered each award just because it was there, not because he found any happiness in either the pursuit or the capture of the victory.   
  
\Perhaps this is something we need to talk about…\ the Master thought, as he finished mixing the cocoa blend into the hot water. Turning from the kitchen counter and heading back to the common room to await his apprentice's rise from meditation, Qui-Gon's thoughts focused on how to broach the subject with his Padawan.   
  
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_Every award, every honor, every certificate and each first place- they were nothing to me. Only a slight vicarious joy in seeing you thrill at my success. To me, they were just one more thing to add to the pile of discarded thoughts and memories. Sometimes, on good days, I would reflect on how lucky I was to have the skills and knowledge to be so successful; but most days, I just pushed the memories aside. No reason to think of the past- just pick the next big goal and reach for it. Life is nothing but one accomplishment after another after all. It's not like there is really anything worth living for… _  
  
*********************************************   
  
Setting the steaming cup of hot chocolate on the low table beside him, Qui-Gon settled down onto the couch with his own cup of tea cradled in his hands. He didn't bother raising the lights, as the incoming light of the rising dawn served to highlight Obi-Wan in a greater relief than any artificial lighting ever could. The soft caress of the early morning light fell upon the young Padawan, adding a halo of gold to his ginger spikes. But it was the shadows that fell on Obi-Wan's other side that had the Master intrigued.   
  
The light caressed the young man, claiming him as its own; but the shadows seemed to stake their own rights to Obi-Wan. It was almost as if the shadows illuminated what the light tried so valiantly to hide. And it was in the darkness, that the lines of sorrow were etched on too young of a face.   
  
As he leaned closer, almost involuntarily, Qui-Gon was startled as the checkered eyelids flicked open. Serene gray eyes met startled blue, and all of the Master's musings were lost in the small smile the apprentice offered. "Good morning Master. Can I make you something to eat?"   
  
*********************************************   
  
_I tried to be the best at everything. I knew that if I could just win that one extra tournament, or get that one final award, I'd be happy. I just kept stretching and reaching, trying to find something to fill the empty hollows inside. I knew that someday I'd find something or do something that would make you so proud – so very, very proud – that maybe… I'd feel something too… _  
  
*********************************************   
  
Taking in the placid mask, that stoic Jedi façade that he had always been so proud of, Qui-Gon felt a slight chill. \Do I know you?\ he found himself asking, as the mixed visions danced before his memories: the boy illuminated by light, the serene mask of the Jedi Padawan, the young man - aged beyond his time by a sorrow so great.   
  
"Master?" Obi-Wan asked as he climbed gracefully to his feet. "Do you want me to make breakfast?"   
  
Realizing he had simply been staring at his Padawan, not offering any answer to the previous question, the Master shook his head slightly and spoke softly. "No Padawan, thank you." Gesturing to the cooling cup beside him, Qui-Gon forced a smile. "Actually I made you some hot chocolate. Why don't you sit down here with me and enjoy it?"   
  
The edges of his lips curling into the slightest semblance of an expression, Obi-Wan shook his head. "Thank you Master, but I'm afraid I don't have time. I have to get ready for class." Sketching a slight bow, the young man disappeared into his room, sliding the door shut behind him.   
  
Bringing his teacup to his lips, and taking a sip from the lukewarm brew, Qui-Gon didn't even notice as his hands shook slightly. \Perhaps this is something we should talk about…\


	2. 2

As the door slid shut behind him, Obi-Wan released his held breath. "That was close…" he whispered softly to himself as he made his way over to his sleep couch and dropped down on to it. He wasn't sure what had just happened, but it was obvious that Qui-Gon knew something was wrong with the "perfect Padawan."   
  
\He can't know\ Obi-Wan thought, standing up from the bed and beginning to pace. He couldn't seem to decide how to feel. He'd entered the room, holding his breath to keep the tears from falling, and now he felt like he wanted to crawl out of his skin. The emotions bubbled and broiled in his mind: anger at himself for slipping, anxiety that his Master would find out he wasn't perfect, fear that he couldn't control himself, but most of all a yawning gape of sorrow that he just couldn't seem to bridge.   
  
*********************************************   
  
_I wanted to tell you, I really did. I wanted to just sit beside you on the couch and hold onto any small comfort you could offer me. I knew that if I told you everything you'd help me and I wouldn't be so alone.   
  
But I couldn't. And I won't. This is my problem, my deficiency, my failure and my penance for some wrong I can't seem to define. This isn't yours to bear the weight of. I won't let you down, even if it kills me… _  
  
*********************************************   
  
Qui-Gon was still sitting on the couch, sipping at his tepid drink when Obi-Wan emerged from his room. Washed, dressed, scrubbed and prepared- he definitely looked the part of the perfect Padawan. The tunics were spotless, creased and pressed just so. Each spike of the ginger hair stood almost as if at attention, and the braid hung just so- jauntily announcing its presence and meaning to all who would look.   
  
But the eyes- the ever-changing eyes- were one thing the Padawan couldn't hide. And it was the glazed depression reflected in the stormy orbs that told the Master all was not well, and the perfectly styled illusion was just that, the stuff of dreams and whispers.   
  
"Padawan, perhaps you should stay home today. I have only a few meetings today, maybe we could go out to the gardens, or catch one of the new holovids?" Qui-Gon asked as he stood to intercept Obi-Wan's path to the doorway.   
  
Once again, the flicker of a smile, the shadow of a grin, "Thank you Master, but I have a test today in my ethics class. I really need to get going." Stepping around the towering Master, the young Padawan made his way to the door. Just as the door sensor registered the approaching presence and began to slide open, Qui-Gon tried to speak once more.   
  
"Obi-Wan…" hesitating briefly, trying to find the words to express his worries, Qui-Gon found himself interrupted by the hiss of the closing door. Looking up from where he had been searching the floor, almost as if it could have provided the dialogue necessary for such a dark situation, the Master found himself alone in the room.   
  
*********************************************   
  
_I know you were only trying to help. I know that you thought that you could make me happy just once, and maybe that would carry over and I'd smile and grin and laugh again. But it doesn't work like that. Happiness is transitory, and I've only just begun to realize it. _  
  
*********************************************   
  
"Obi-Wan!" Bant called as she caught site of the familiar figure stalking through the halls. When her fellow Padawan made no move to answer or acknowledge the Mon Calamarian, Bant sped up her pace until she walked beside her friend.   
  
"Hey Obi! Are you ready for Master Ni'Kaven's ethics test today?" She asked, trying to engage him in some form of communication, after he offered no acknowledgement to her appearance at his side.   
  
"I think so," Obi-Wan answered, not turning his gaze from the hallway ahead. "I studied a bit for it last night, but I didn't really have the time to do much more than look over the material."   
  
"Oh Obi, like you need to worry," Bant kidded. "The Perfect Padawan, with the Perfect scores! You could probably walk into a Knight's class right now and best the majority of the Jedi in the room."   
  
"It's not really like that Bant, and you know it. I wouldn't be able to do any better in a Knight's class than you would, I just do well in the Padawan classes because…" Obi-Wan hesitated as he tried to come up with a reason for his successes. Even he wasn't sure how he did so well without really having to try.   
  
"Because you're brilliant!" Bant giggled. "Speaking of which, will you help me with my Astro-physics project? I can't seem to get it to work."   
  
"Sure Bant," Obi-Wan answered distractedly as the two Padawans entered the ethics room.   
  
"Thanks Obi, you're the best," she grinned as she turned to take her seat.   
  
*********************************************   
  
_It doesn't seem fair. How can I be so good at this stuff and Bant so terrible? She's so nice and giving and loving… why did I deserve this and not her? It makes all of the victories that much cheaper, since I didn't really have to work at it, and yet I still beat all of those that spend their free time studying and poring over notes and texts. It just makes me feel guilty… _  
  
*********************************************   
  
As Bant slid into her seat, she shot a surreptitious glance at her friend. Obi-Wan had already taken his seat and had his datapad out on his desk, ready to go. \Oh Obi, why won't you tell me what's wrong?\ she wondered, as she took in his slumped shoulders and dead gaze. \Don't you trust me?\   
  
The Padawan knew that Obi-Wan would refuse to go out with her and his other friends if she asked, so she had made up the excuse about the Astro-physics project. She knew that he would leave if she turned the "study session" into too much of a social gathering, but she wanted to see him have fun for once. All he ever did was work on his katas, and prepare for his classes- things he could do solitarily. He didn't ever want to be with his friends, or even venture out into the Temple where others might see him.   
  
\I don't know what's wrong with you Obi, but I will find out\ Bant vowed as Master Ni'Kaven entered the room. Turning her attention to the Master, Bant couldn't help but sneak one more look at her friend. As the teacher took his place at the front of the room, the Perfect Padawan was once again in attendance.


	3. 3

_I left the classroom with one of the worst headaches I had ever experienced. I knew it came from the stress and the strain of trying to keep up the act, but there was nothing to do for it. As they say… "The show must go on…" _  
  
*********************************************   
  
Bant tried to catch up to Obi-Wan after class, but was left watching as he took off out of the room and raced down the hallway. \One would think he was being pursued by the Sith…\ the young Jedi mused, before turning her attention to her next class, and the quiz therein.   
  
*********************************************   
  
_I've always hated running. My friends joke that it is because I am too lazy and prefer to be shuttled. I guess that's partly true, but it's not the real reason I don't like to run or jog or even take long walks. The real reason is much harder to overcome… and much more of a character flaw than laziness will ever be.   
  
I just can't stand to be alone in my own head. _  
  
*********************************************   
  
As Qui-Gon exited his last meeting for the day, it was only late morning. Normally the dreaded Council meetings lasted well into the evening hours, so an early release was a cherished one. Stopping back at the apartment he shared with his apprentice, the Master switched out of his formal tunic and robe and into an exercise tunic. He wanted to spend some time with Obi-Wan, and he knew that this was the only way to do it.   
  
Gathering up his gym bag and re-securing his lightsaber to his belt, the Master paused just long enough for a quick meditation. "Please give me the answers for how I can help my Padawan. I don't know why he is suffering so," the Master pleaded, but as expected, the Force was ominously silent.   
  
Rising from where he had dropped to his knees, Qui-Gon released his pent-up breath. Running a hand through his hair, and pulling it back securely in a tie; he then slung his bag over his shoulder and headed toward the training rooms.   
  
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_I hate running… but I love training. Training is so different from running, it uses your mind and your skills and everything that you are… and if you're good enough, by the time you're done, there's nothing left of you. _  
  
*********************************************   
  
Qui-Gon paused in the door of the private salle, spell-bound by the actions of his apprentice. Although it was a Master's duty to train his Padawan, obligations and meetings often times got in the way of the really hands-on aspects. As such, apprentices to busy Masters, found themselves left to train on their own more often than not. Though Qui-Gon tried to find time to spar with Obi-Wan at least once a day, it was rare for him to have the time to guide him through the katas.   
  
Which should have served as an explanation for an apprentice falling behind in their physical studies… not excelling to a level well beyond that of his age mates. Yet as Qui-Gon watched he could easily recognize the form of the fifteenth level Kata, a level that most Knights had trouble with. \Have I really neglected him so much that he has succeeded so incredibly without me knowing?\   
  
The Master was pulled from his musings abruptly as Obi-Wan registered his presence, stopping his formwork immediately and turning to face his silent watcher. "Master? Do you wish to spar?" the apprentice asked, gesturing to the Master's gym bag and workout tunics.   
  
"No, Obi-Wan. I think I will work on my katas as well," the older Jedi answered, still distracted by the skill his young Padawan had exhibited.   
  
"As you wish, my Master," Obi-Wan stated, bowing deferentially before turning back to his own training. Qui-Gon watched silently as he stretched, but was disappointed to see Obi-Wan revert to the more basic katas. \He doesn't want me to know that he has increased in skill so much? Or he is ashamed and afraid to make a mistake?\   
  
Mulling the inadvertent discovery over in his mind, the Master found it difficult to focus on his own form. As he misstepped for the third time in a row, Qui-Gon finally gave up his attempts at an individual workout and turned to his silently laboring apprentice. "Obi-Wan, how about a match or two?" he asked with an attempt at a smile. As the Padawan turned to him, dropping his own pursuits instantly, the Master felt another surge of regret. \Oh Obi-Wan… should I not intrude on your personal time? Should I leave you?\   
  
Before he could find a way to phrase his concerns, the Padawan moved to the defensive position, clearly waiting for the Master to begin. Igniting his emerald 'saber and jumping to the attack, Qui-Gon pushed his thoughts and worries to the side, focusing entirely on the moment…


	4. 4

The sparring match ended none-too-soon for Obi-Wan, and he was grateful to escape from his Master's watchful eyes. \I can't believe I didn't sense he was there… it's a wonder he didn't yell at me for trying something so difficult\   
  
Obi-Wan had been working to improve his katas by using one of the data disks from the archives. It was nothing like having a real teacher to guide him and teach him, but with Master Qui-Gon so busy all of the time, there was no other way for him to learn. He hadn't intended to go so far ahead in the training, but with all of his time focused on it, he had soon found himself working well above the norm for his age-level.   
  
\Just one more example of the perfect Padawan\ he snorted, quickly toweling off after his brief shower. Dressing quickly and grabbing his bag, he left the Padawan locker room. Heading for the quarters he shared with his Master to drop off his gear and grab his Astro-physics notes, Obi-Wan schooled his features into a serene mask.   
  
*********************************************   
  
_I wanted to help my friend. I knew I had to be there for her. But… all I wanted to do was go back to my room, crawl under the covers and pretend the world just didn't exist. _  
  
*********************************************   
  
Leaving his apprentice to shower in the Padawan locker room, Qui-Gon made his way up to the Master's level. Stepping out of the key-coded lift, he was surprised to see Master Windu and Master Gallia waiting for him.   
  
"Mace, Adi," he acknowledged, grabbing a towel from off the stack by the lounge door and wiping the sweat from his brow. "What can I do for you?"   
  
"Qui-Gon, we need to talk," Mace answered, as he motioned for the other two Masters to take a seat. The disgruntled look Qui-Gon shot him informed him of the other Master's wish to shower first, but the issue they needed to discuss was too important to wait any longer.   
  
"The Council has become concerned as of late," Adi began, leaning forward slightly on the padded bench outside the locker rooms to lay her hand on Master Jinn's knee. "We have heard some… comments… about Obi-Wan that have led to some disturbing questions."   
  
Heaving a sigh, Qui-Gon leaned back against the wall, allowing his hand to drop back from where he had been toweling off his forehead. "I know," he stated simply, clenching his jaw in frustration before continuing. "I know that there is something wrong, but I just don't know what to do. Obi won't talk to me, and he won't tell me what is going on."   
  
"Several of his teachers have come to us," Master Windu added. "At first the Council was unsure as to what the problem was, since Obi-Wan has always done so well academically."   
  
"And in everything else," Qui-Gon muttered, sighing yet again.   
  
"And that is the problem," Master Gallia added. "Obi-Wan is pushing himself too hard, working himself into the ground, yet deriving no pleasure from it." Gently squeezing his knee, she continued. "The Council is not blaming you, Qui-Gon. We know that you have done everything you can for Obi-Wan, and that if there was anyway for you to help him in this, you would do it. But the situation has become serious and something must be done about it."   
  
Laying his hand gently over Adi's, Qui-Gon raised his saddened blue gaze to meet her own. "Yes, something must be done," he concurred, "but the question is: what should we do?"   
  
*********************************************   
  
_I stood outside your door, and I tried to put on that mask… that character… that actor… that style… that something. I'm not sure what it is; it's just this wall that I put between you and me. I stand concealed behind it, watching and hiding, while some other persona takes control. I wish I were more like him… that other boy who comes in and takes over for me. Even if his smile is a little too brittle, and his eyes a bit too glazed, at least he seems happy. _  
  
*********************************************   
  
Even before the door chime rang, Bant knew that Obi-Wan was waiting out in the hall. He had stood out there for a few minutes, radiating that odd, unreadable emotion, before finally ringing the chime. Bant had waited silently on the other side of the door to see if he would actually come in, or if he would try to leave. If he tried to run again, she swore to herself she would chase him through the Temple until he agreed to talk to her.   
  
When the bell finally rang, the Mon Calamarian released the breath she hadn't even realized she had been holding before keying open the door. "Obi, I'm so glad you could make it!" she exclaimed, grabbing onto his arm and pulling him into the room before he could turn and flee. And judging from the look on his face as he saw the others waiting in the room, he would have fled had she not captured his arm.   
  
"B-bant?" Obi-Wan stuttered. "I thought I was only helping you with your Astro-physics."   
  
"What, you can't help us too?" Garen called out from where he sat on the sofa. "Why should Bant be the only one who gets your help?" he teased.   
  
"No, no, that's not what I meant," Obi-Wan backpedaled, trying to come up with a logical excuse for leaving.   
  
"Oh come on, Obi, we know ya only help Bant 'cause she's your supplier," Siri giggled, turning around in her armchair to face the new arrival.   
  
"My supplier?" the young Padawan asked, trying to surreptitiously free his arm from Bant's vice-like grip.   
  
"Yup, your supplier," Bant answered, refusing to relinquish her hold. "Everyone knows that I always find you the best chocolate," she explained, her silver eyes twinkling. "And speaking of chocolate, you should see the great cake that N'erak made."   
  
"As long as Reeft doesn't find it and eat it before you can have some," N'erak called out from the small kitchenette where he was guarding his "masterpiece."   
  
And with a final giggle, and a more persistent tug, Bant yanked Obi-Wan fully into the quarters she shared with her Master, the door swishing shut behind him with a loud hiss.   
  
*********************************************   
  
_I'm in hell._


	5. 5

The meeting with the Council Members had gone on for several hours before Qui-Gon was able to finally shower and return to his quarters. He entered his apprentice's room, looking for Obi-Wan before he remembered that he had gone over to Bant's for the night.   
  
\Isn't that convenient, one more night to avoid dealing with an issue you know you don't want to\ Ignoring his own chastising thoughts, the Master made his way to the kitchen to make some tea. The familiar routine almost always helped him to relax before meditation. Tonight, however, it did nothing to calm him.   
  
\Is something really so wrong with Obi-Wan that even the Jedi Council is aware of it? What am I supposed to do for him?\   
  
Adi and Mace had suggested that he talk to his Padawan, and try to get Obi-Wan to tell him what was wrong. When he had mentioned that he had already made several attempts they had then suggested he take his apprentice to a Mind Healer. Qui-Gon had been surprised that the Council would, however informally, suggest he take his fifteen-year old Padawan to one of the Healers.   
  
_"You can't be serious!" Qui-Gon exclaimed, his shocked blue eyes finding and holding Master Windu's gaze. "My apprentice does not need to see a Mind Healer. He hasn't been involved in anything that would serve as cause for him needing mental healing."   
  
"Not all who seek the help of the Healers have suffered some great tragedy," Adi answered in her soft tones. "It is not always a single moment or event that leads to a person needing assistance."   
  
"Regardless, I am not allowing Obi-Wan to suffer from the stigma that is attached to seeing one of the counselors. Do you honestly think the full Council will not think twice before Knighting a Padawan that has proven mental issues?" Qui-Gon asked, his agitation causing him to rise to his feet and begin to pace. "There is no way that I will allow Obi-Wan to lose his chance at becoming a Knight."   
  
"It would not have to be like that," Master Gallia argued softly before being superceded by Master Windu.   
  
"The Council would not have to know about it," Mace declared. "This is a private issue between Padawan Kenobi and the Healers. It would not affect his life in anyway."   
  
"You say that now," Master Jinn argued, "but what will you say in ten years when you are deciding whether or not to Knight a mentally-unstable Jedi?" _  
  
  
Adi and Mace had tried first to convince him, and then had resorted to ordering him to take Obi-Wan to the Healers. Qui-Gon had refused, and the three had ended their discussion on less than amicable terms. \Chalk up another Council Reprimand for the "Great Qui-Gon Jinn"\   
  
Making his way to the couch to wait for the tea water to heat, Qui-Gon sighed and sat down before burying his face in his hands. \What am I supposed to do?\   
  
*********************************************   
  
_I know that you were all trying to be nice to me, and that you were trying to have a good time, but I hated every second of it. When I am with others, I can't be the real me. The real me is too depressing, too sad, too boring, too… too **me. **I didn't want to ruin everyone's fun, but I also didn't want to have to try to pretend to be someone I'm not any longer than necessary. It is so draining, and I am already tired all the time anyway. _  
  
*********************************************   
  
From his vantage point in the kitchen, N'erak watched as Bant herded Obi-Wan into the room and directed him to the sofa. \He looks like he is being led to the slaughter or something…\ Obi-Wan's eyes were wide and his face pale, yet he wore the small grin that his friends had become so used to. It was the smile that meant Obi was hiding something.   
  
"So what classes do you have this semester Obi?" Siri asked, turning in her chair to face Obi-Wan's new location. "Did you get stuck with that horrible ethics instructor again?" Siri and her Master had been on a mission for the past several weeks and had only just returned to the temple.   
  
"Um, no, I got pretty good classes with good instructors," the Padawan answered, completely ignoring the first question.   
  
"Well, that's good," Siri replied, before looking imploringly at Garen to continue the conversation.   
  
"I got some interesting classes this semester," Garen said, moving over so Obi-Wan could sit beside him. "I ended up with Master Sensor for Navigation class, but I got Master Valone for ethics. That man just rubs me the wrong way."   
  
"You're lucky you got Sensor," Reeft interrupted, "at least he attempts to teach you, instead of just expecting you to learn from the datapads."   
  
"Didn't you have Master Valone, Obi?" Bant questioned, trying to draw her friend back into the conversation.   
  
"Um, yeah, he wasn't so bad," Obi-Wan answered, shifting uncomfortably on the couch before speaking again. "Did you have something in specific you were having trouble with in Astrophysics, Bant?"   
  
"Not really, I just wanted a chance to go over my project with you," the Mon Calamarian replied before immediately turning to N'erak. "So who did you have for ethics?"   
  
*********************************************   
  
_I just wanted to answer your questions and get out. I didn't want to "hang out" with your friends, I didn't want to have some social hour, I just wanted to do my good deed and get back to my room. Why couldn't you just let me be?_


	6. 5

The meeting with the Council Members had gone on for several hours before Qui-Gon was able to finally shower and return to his quarters. He entered his apprentice's room, looking for Obi-Wan before he remembered that he had gone over to Bant's for the night.   
  
\Isn't that convenient, one more night to avoid dealing with an issue you know you don't want to\ Ignoring his own chastising thoughts, the Master made his way to the kitchen to make some tea. The familiar routine almost always helped him to relax before meditation. Tonight, however, it did nothing to calm him.   
  
\Is something really so wrong with Obi-Wan that even the Jedi Council is aware of it? What am I supposed to do for him?\   
  
Adi and Mace had suggested that he talk to his Padawan, and try to get Obi-Wan to tell him what was wrong. When he had mentioned that he had already made several attempts they had then suggested he take his apprentice to a Mind Healer. Qui-Gon had been surprised that the Council would, however informally, suggest he take his fifteen-year old Padawan to one of the Healers.   
  
_"You can't be serious!" Qui-Gon exclaimed, his shocked blue eyes finding and holding Master Windu's gaze. "My apprentice does not need to see a Mind Healer. He hasn't been involved in anything that would serve as cause for him needing mental healing."   
  
"Not all who seek the help of the Healers have suffered some great tragedy," Adi answered in her soft tones. "It is not always a single moment or event that leads to a person needing assistance."   
  
"Regardless, I am not allowing Obi-Wan to suffer from the stigma that is attached to seeing one of the counselors. Do you honestly think the full Council will not think twice before Knighting a Padawan that has proven mental issues?" Qui-Gon asked, his agitation causing him to rise to his feet and begin to pace. "There is no way that I will allow Obi-Wan to lose his chance at becoming a Knight."   
  
"It would not have to be like that," Master Gallia argued softly before being superceded by Master Windu.   
  
"The Council would not have to know about it," Mace declared. "This is a private issue between Padawan Kenobi and the Healers. It would not affect his life in anyway."   
  
"You say that now," Master Jinn argued, "but what will you say in ten years when you are deciding whether or not to Knight a mentally-unstable Jedi?" _  
  
  
Adi and Mace had tried first to convince him, and then had resorted to ordering him to take Obi-Wan to the Healers. Qui-Gon had refused, and the three had ended their discussion on less than amicable terms. \Chalk up another Council Reprimand for the "Great Qui-Gon Jinn"\   
  
Making his way to the couch to wait for the tea water to heat, Qui-Gon sighed and sat down before burying his face in his hands. \What am I supposed to do?\   
  
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_I know that you were all trying to be nice to me, and that you were trying to have a good time, but I hated every second of it. When I am with others, I can't be the real me. The real me is too depressing, too sad, too boring, too… too **me. **I didn't want to ruin everyone's fun, but I also didn't want to have to try to pretend to be someone I'm not any longer than necessary. It is so draining, and I am already tired all the time anyway. _  
  
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From his vantage point in the kitchen, N'erak watched as Bant herded Obi-Wan into the room and directed him to the sofa. \He looks like he is being led to the slaughter or something…\ Obi-Wan's eyes were wide and his face pale, yet he wore the small grin that his friends had become so used to. It was the smile that meant Obi was hiding something.   
  
"So what classes do you have this semester Obi?" Siri asked, turning in her chair to face Obi-Wan's new location. "Did you get stuck with that horrible ethics instructor again?" Siri and her Master had been on a mission for the past several weeks and had only just returned to the temple.   
  
"Um, no, I got pretty good classes with good instructors," the Padawan answered, completely ignoring the first question.   
  
"Well, that's good," Siri replied, before looking imploringly at Garen to continue the conversation.   
  
"I got some interesting classes this semester," Garen said, moving over so Obi-Wan could sit beside him. "I ended up with Master Sensor for Navigation class, but I got Master Valone for ethics. That man just rubs me the wrong way."   
  
"You're lucky you got Sensor," Reeft interrupted, "at least he attempts to teach you, instead of just expecting you to learn from the datapads."   
  
"Didn't you have Master Valone, Obi?" Bant questioned, trying to draw her friend back into the conversation.   
  
"Um, yeah, he wasn't so bad," Obi-Wan answered, shifting uncomfortably on the couch before speaking again. "Did you have something in specific you were having trouble with in Astrophysics, Bant?"   
  
"Not really, I just wanted a chance to go over my project with you," the Mon Calamarian replied before immediately turning to N'erak. "So who did you have for ethics?"   
  
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_I just wanted to answer your questions and get out. I didn't want to "hang out" with your friends, I didn't want to have some social hour, I just wanted to do my good deed and get back to my room. Why couldn't you just let me be?_


	7. Real chapter 6 Sorry

Thanks to all the reviewers, individual responses later.  (sorry, only a bit of time to post as of now)

It took several hours of social niceties, but Obi-Wan was finally able to escape from Bant's quarters and return to the apartments he shared with his Master. Upon entering the darkened rooms, he made his way immediately to his bedroom, not even noticing the slumped form on the couch that was slightly snoring. Entering his room, he shut and locked the door, before immediately switching to his nightclothes and settling down to sleep. Before closing his eyes, he completed his final daily task. Strengthening his shields to the strongest possible density, he finally surrendered to the black abyss of sleep.   
  
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_I wanted to sleep. I needed to sleep. I like sleeping. But I really, really hate the nightmares… _  
  
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After Obi-Wan left, his friends remained behind in Bant's room to discuss the night's events. "He didn't say anything!" Siri sighed. "I thought the whole point of this was to get him to talk."   
  
"Well you can't exactly expect him to just blurt out what his problem is when we all gang up on him like that," N'erak argued. "I told you this wasn't going to work."   
  
"It wasn't like you had a better suggestion," Garen commented, as he stood up from the couch and began to gather the empty plates and dirty forks from the cake they had all consumed.   
  
"No, I didn't have a better idea," N'erak admitted. "And I am glad that we at least tried to do something," he added as he rose to his feet and moved to help Garen.   
  
Entering from the kitchen where he had been "storing" the rest of the cake, Reeft spoke up. "Since this didn't work, what are we going to do?"   
  
"We could always just tie him up and refuse to let him leave until he told us," Siri suggested. "Or we could always try to use the Force on him."   
  
"Siri!" the other four chorused, each shooting her an incredulous look.   
  
"What? Does anyone have a better idea," she growled. "It's obvious that there is something wrong with Obi-Wan, and that no one else is doing anything about it. As his friends, it is up to us to help him, regardless of whether or not he wants it."   
  
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_  
The dream started differently than the other ones. It was almost pleasant at first. N'erak, Bant and I were shopping in the business district area of Coruscant. We each had a few bags, and were having a good time. I'm not sure why we were shopping, or even really what we were shopping for, but it was kind of nice. And that's when all hell broke loose.   
  
We had just entered the shop when the gunman burst through the still open doorway. He drew his blaster and was firing before we could even react. I'm not sure why the Force didn't warn us, but looking back at it, I wonder if maybe the Force didn't really care about what happened either. Regardless, none of us had the chance to draw our 'sabers until the gunman had already gotten off several shots. I can still feel the searing pain as one of the first blasts hit me in the abdomen, and though it wasn't imminently fatal, it still hurt like heck.   
  
The shopkeeper had a blaster behind the counter and he drew it, firing and killing the gunman instantly. I really don't understand why we didn't do anything, since we are Jedi, but in my dream it all made sense somehow. Anyway, the gunman was dead, the shopkeeper wanted nothing to do with us, and Bant was insisting that we had to get back to the Temple in time for dinner. I tried to tell her and N'erak that I was injured, but they both just ignored me. I didn't know what to do, so I simply tightened my sash over the wound to stop the bleeding, gathered up my packages and followed them back through the bustling Coruscanti streets.   
  
We made it to the Temple and I tried again to tell Bant and N'erak that I needed to go to the Healer's. N'erak told me that Master Jinn was waiting for me, and that I had better not waste anymore of his time or he might not want me as a Padawan anymore. I'm not even sure that he heard me tell him I was injured, or noticed the blood that was slowly seeping from the wound.   
  
I once again simply followed my friends as they led me to the Commissary where my Master was waiting. Master Jinn took one look at me and told me to go back to our quarters, and that he would be right behind me. I was so relieved that someone finally noticed that I was injured, and that I was slowly dying. I went back to our apartments and sat on the sofa waiting for my Master to come home. I sat and waited for what felt like forever before he finally showed up.   
  
"Obi-Wan," he said, in that horribly formal tone he always adopts when I am in trouble, "I am very disappointed in you. You went out with your friends, and you didn't bother to tell me where you were going."   
  
"I'm sorry Mast…" I began, only to be cut-off and left speechless by his next remark.   
  
"How did you know that I didn't need something from the Market too?" he asked. I couldn't believe he was reprimanding me for forgetting to ask him if he needed something from the Market! Wasn't he worried about me? Didn't he care that I was slowing bleeding to death in front of him?   
  
"Go to your room, Padawan. We will discuss this in the morning after I have gotten some rest," my Master continued, immediately turning his back on me and entering his own bedroom. I simply sat on the couch and stared after him, my hand held tightly over the bloody wound, trying to hold myself together long enough to survive. _  
  
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Qui-Gon hadn't even realized he had fallen asleep when he was awakened by the sounds of sobbing from his apprentice's room. "Obi-Wan?" he called out, automatically reaching for the bond to try to ascertain the cause of his Padawan's distress. When he came in contact with the Titanium shielding, he didn't even hesitate in jumping from the couch and racing to the bedroom door. "Padawan?" he called again as the locked door failed to open at his approach. When no response was forthcoming, the Jedi Master reached out to the Force and used it to override the lock code and open the bedroom door.   
  
Swiftly crossing the darkened room to the bed, Qui-Gon gasped as he took in his apprentice's appearance. Obi-Wan lay in the middle of the bed, the sheets and blankets tangled around his shivering form. Tear tracks crossed his face, and he was curled into a ball with his arms crossed over his stomach as if he were in pain. He was obviously still asleep, but the nightmare seemed to be over. Deciding to wake his apprentice, regardless of whether or not the dream was finished, the Master sat gently on the edge of the bed and began to softly stroke his Padawan's back.   
  
"Obi-Wan, wake up son. It's only a dream," he chanted softly as he tried to sooth the cramped muscles in his apprentice's back. "It's okay Padawan, just open your eyes and come back to me."   
  
He continued the increasingly nonsensical soothing for several moments before Obi-Wan's eyelids finally fluttered open, and the stormy gray gaze fell upon his own. "Mahsster?" the Padawan asked, his accent deepened by his exhaustion.   
  
"Yes, it's me Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon responded, still gently rubbing his apprentice's back. "You've had a bad dream. Do you think you can talk about it?"   
  
"I'm sorry to wake you Master," Obi-Wan answered, uncurling his body and sitting up in the tangled bedding. "It was just a silly dream, and everyone knows that all dreams pass in time."   
  
"It seemed like a bit more than a silly dream," the Master commented, as he drew his hand back. "Perhaps talking about it will make you feel better."   
  
"It was nothing Master," the Padawan stressed again. "I don't want to disturb you anymore tonight. Thank you for waking me though."   
  
"You did not disturb me, Obi-Wan. I am your Master, and it is my duty and pleasure to always be there for you, even if it is only for a bad dream. I wish you would talk to me about it though," Qui-Gon sighed. When Obi-Wan only lowered his head and made no comment, the Master rose from the edge of the bed and made his way over to the doorway. "We will talk about this more in the morning, Padawan," he stated in his formal voice. "Until then, I hope you rest well."   
  
"Yes Master," Obi-Wan whispered, just before the door slid shut again on the darkened bedroom.


	8. 7

Author's Note:  Just in case I forgot: Disclaimer, Star Wars and all related characters belong to George Lucas.  All OC's belong to me (yes, including N'erak!).    Thanks again to all of the reviewers.

Qui-Gon retreated to the sanctuary of his own bedroom, but found that sleep was impossible. His mind churned with worry and apprehension as he reviewed the events of the day. \It's obvious that things are coming to a front. I need to do something now, before it's too late… but what should I do?\ With his thoughts so chaotic, and his Force sense focused entirely on finding his own calm center, the Master didn't hear as the door to his apprentice's room slid open and Obi-Wan snuck out of the shared apartments.   
  
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_  
I just wanted to walk. It felt like my head was going to explode or something, or maybe like I was going to crawl out of my skin. Too much energy, but too tired to find a way to disperse it. Maybe I could have gone back to sleep, and that would have solved my problems, but I really didn't want to risk dreaming again. So instead I snuck out into the cool Coruscanti night, looking for something… or someone… _  
  
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The air had the stale, refined quality so common on the industrialized inner core planets, but the breeze was light and refreshing. The constant hum of the ever-present air traffic was almost soothing to the young Padawan's frazzled senses. It provided just enough of a distraction to keep his mind from delving into what exactly it was that had caused him to flee the Temple so suddenly.   
  
\As long as I don't think about it, it can't hurt me\ Obi-Wan chanted over and over, using the phrase almost as a mantra. It reminded him of the old taunts and responses he had learned in the crèche, and he almost laughed as one of the ones he himself had used came to mind. _Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me _\Isn't it ironic how it seems that words are capable of doing so much more damage than any little rock, or stick, or even blaster could ever do\   
  
Drawing the hood of his robe up to conceal his identifying braid, and pulling the rest of the material closer together in the front, Obi-Wan made his way quietly out the side gates of the Jedi Temple and unto the Coruscant streets. The thoroughfare had a subdued bustle to it, and those who were out and about tended to cluster in the shadows, rather than stream through the lighted avenues as they would during the day. \Perhaps now wasn't the best time to decide to take a stroll outside of the Temple\ Obi-Wan realized belatedly as he caught some of the hungry stares that seemed to follow his passage.   
  
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_  
Maybe it wasn't smart to go out at such a time of night, and maybe it wasn't the best idea to be in that neighborhood after dark, but why would anyone want to hurt me? I'm nothing, I'm nobody, and I'm most certainly not worth attacking. _  
  
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When the light first blinked on the small security monitor, the Padawan manning the desk simply dismissed it as a false alarm. But as the light continued to blink, the young Twi'lek sighed and moved the camera droids into position to get a visual of the side exit. It wasn't unusual for the alarm to be triggered accidentally by one of the cleaning crews who helped to keep the Temple in its pristine condition, but usually the warning light would only blink a few times on the front desk monitor before someone would notice and resecure the door. Of course, it also wasn't unknown for a group of senior Padawans to try to sneak in or sneak out and inadvertently trigger the silent alarm.   
  
As he waited for the droids to began broadcasting a visual signal, the Padawan idly hefted the comm. link he usually kept attached to his belt. Although it was unusual for the alarm to signal any danger, the Padawan was new to this job, and didn't want to take the risk of being caught unaware. If there was something happening at the exit, he wanted to be ready for it. As the visual image began to play across the embedded security monitor, the young apprentice breathed a sigh of relief and replaced his comm. link on his belt. Activating the security log, he entered his personal code and then jotted down the date and time. Pausing only long enough to bring up a clearer image of the escaping Padawan for the files, the Twi'lek finished his short report, filed it in the records and settled back in for a long night of staring at the blank monitors.   
  
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Finally accepting that sleep would not come to him, Qui-Gon rose up from his sleep couch and sighed before gathering his robe to him and exiting his small bedroom. \At least I might be able to find some answers through meditation\ the Master lamented as he crossed through the common room toward where his meditation mat lay waiting. Lowering himself to his knees, Qui-Gon tried to settle into the first phase of the trance, but found that he couldn't quite grasp his center. \I haven't had problems meditating since I was a junior Padawan!\   
  
Opening his eyes and running a hand through his loose mane of hair, Master Jinn found his gaze settling unerringly on the closed door to his apprentice's room. Not wanting to disturb his Padawan, when it was obvious that Obi-Wan needed his rest, the elder Jedi struggled to draw his attention back to meditation. \There is nothing you can do for Obi-Wan until you know _what _to do. And the only way you are going to figure out what to do is to ask the Force for guidance\   
  
Settling back into the meditative posture, Qui-Gon again reached for his elusive center, this time finding it and grasping onto it before it could slip away again. Dropping into a light meditation, the Master searched the Force for answers and awaited the dawn of the coming day.


	9. 8

Disclaimer:  At beginning (or somewhere back there)

To my reviewers:  Thank you so much!  I'm sorry that I don't respond personally, but I find that doing that means less time writing, and as I only have a few minutes every few weeks as it is… I hope you understand.  If not, I can only offer my apologies and thanks.

_____________

_I don't know how long I walked, or even really where I walked to. I just needed to get away, though what I was trying to "get away from" wasn't something I was sure of. It was just… nice… to have the freedom to decide which direction to go, and how fast I wanted to walk, and if I wanted to stop, or switch directions. There was no one telling me what to do or who to be… well, no one but that stupid voice in my head that is. _  
  
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Dawn usually brought with it the hope for a new day, but for the figure meditating in the austere common room, hope was elusive at best. Although his face was a mask of serenity, the turmoil of his thoughts was present in Master Jinn's stiff posture. Normally meditation was a physical release as much as it was a mental one, even though no physical movement occurred. It was a release of tension and stress, that manifested itself through relaxed muscles and an easy posture. Qui-Gon's tense bearing and the coiled muscles visible under his sleep clothes spoke of the unease of his mind.   
  
\There must be something I can do. I am not going to simply accept that I have to hand Obi-Wan over to the soulhealers and ruin his future. I know that I will always love him and would be grateful to have him as my Padawan indefinitely, but that is not the path he chose, nor is it a path that he would ever want to follow freely\   
  
Finally admitting the futility of his meditations, the fatigued Master released his hold on the slight trance and rose back to the level of consciousness. Opening his eyes and allowing his mind the time to process the return to reality, Qui-Gon practiced a deep breathing technique that he had never before had to use after meditation. Normally it was a device to be used in lieu of the meditative rituals. Once his thoughts had reached a relative calmness, he rose gracelessly to his feet and began his morning routine. Passing through the open common area on his way toward the kitchen, he spared a glance for the closed door leading into his apprentice's room. Not allowing his thoughts to drift too far into the trials he would have to subject his apprentice to, he released another deep breath and consciously worked to reduce the tension that ached throughout his body.   
  
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Coruscant is often called the Jewel of the Republic because of its brilliant glimmering appearance. It hung suspended in the black void of space as a beacon of light in the darkness, standing as the visible representation of all the ideals that made up the Galactic Republic. Though the term "jewel" fit loosely to describe its splendor as viewed from a starship, it was only when one ventured beyond the bright lights and happy sounds of the upper levels, and descended into the purgatory that existed below, that the term "jewel" became oddly appropriate. For like most jewels, Coruscant had many flaws hidden deep within its glittering exterior.   
  
Though the upper levels were truly dazzling, the lower levels were twice as dreary, and as gay and joyous as the crowds that inhabited the buildings above were, the denizens of the deep were equally miserable and dejected. The glimmering exterior of the capital planet of the Republic may have helped to conceal its core of darkness, but even a non-Force sensitive could sense the slight feeling of wrongness that covered the surface of the artificial planet. For as valiantly as it was attempted, nothing could ever totally gloss over the pitiful existence of over one quarter of Coruscant's occupants… and nothing could hide the shadows that hovered hungrily inside the "glimmering jewel."   
  
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_  
If I had been me… or the "me" that existed before I became who I am now, I probably would have felt something for the pitiful denizens of the lower levels I had wandered onto. Their gaunt faces and soulless eyes would have had the old me wanting to do anything I could to help, but today I just walked right past them. Maybe it was because I didn't see them… but I think it was more because of the fact that I **did **see them, and in their 'soulless' eyes, I saw myself. _  
  
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As he walked through the dark alleys of the low levels, Obi-Wan Kenobi found his mind traveling the equally dark pathways of his mind. As dreadful and dismal as his physical surroundings were, he found his attention totally focused on the bleakness of his thoughts. \It would be so nice to have a thought that didn't focus solely on all of my previous failures, or all of the ones I have yet to look forward to\ he thought offhandedly as he simply allowed his feet to guide him. His Force-sense was attuned to the danger that surrounded him, but he found that he could not bring himself to care about the possibility of his being harmed. \Would it really even matter?\   
  
Continuing what had become a much slower pace than his normal brisk strides, the young Padawan ventured deeper and deeper into the darkness that corroded the Capital planet.   
  
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After stalling as long as possible, and finally acknowledging that he was delaying the inevitable, Master Jinn composed his features and made his way to his apprentice's room. "Obi-Wan?" he called, tapping gently on the closed doorway. When no response was forthcoming, even after he had increased the volume of both his call and his knock, Qui-Gon sighed and reached to override the lockcode. Normally he would not have dared to invade his Padawan's privacy as such, but he was worried that Obi-Wan had not answered. Though he could never be described as a morning person, the young apprentice always made a point of at least offering a groan in response to his Master's wake-up call.   
  
The override took longer than normal, as Qui-Gon found that his hands were almost shaking too much to correctly enter the code in. Taking another deep breath in a futile attempt to regain his composure, the Master finally succeeded in entering his code. Stepping back as the door swished open, he found his gaze drawn immediately to the empty bed. Confirming what his eyes told him with a brief Force scan, he uttered a low curse under his breath before turning and storming toward the comm. unit embedded in the wall of the common room.   
  
Waiting for the signal to go through, Qui-Gon ran a hand over his hair to smooth down any errant strands, and tugged his sleep tunic to release the wrinkles that had accumulated overnight. Satisfied that his appearance was as good as it was going to get under the circumstances, Master Jinn prepared to make his report to the Jedi Council.


	10. 9

Thank you to all of my reviewers.  Also, you can now join my yahoo group for faster updates at 

Thanks!

The persistent chime of the comm. unit finally roused Mace Windu from his first real night's sleep in several days. Groaning, the Council Member lifted his head from his pillow and shot a glare at the offending unit. When it simply continued to chime the notice of an incoming call, Master Windu finally surrendered and rose to his feet. Stepping around the loose blankets on his floor, he reached the wall unit without incident.   
  
"Windu here," he stated, as he flicked on the unit. He worked to make his voice sound as clear and coherent as possible, since he did not want his caller to know that they had awakened him.   
  
"Mace, it's Qui-Gon," the distraught voice of the other Master came over the line as the visual image flickered before stabilizing to reveal the weary features of Mace's oldest friend. "Something's happened."   
  
"Obi-Wan?" Master Windu asked, no longer having to fake the alert tone of his voice. The sight of the usually unflappable Master Jinn being so flustered was more than enough to alarm and fully awaken him.   
  
"He's not here, and I can't contact him through the bond. I think he has shields up and is outside of the Temple," Qui-Gon explained, running a hand through his loose hair.   
  
"You can't break through his shielding?" Mace questioned, already considering just where the Padawan could have wandered off to if he was no longer in the Temple.   
  
"No, the distance between us is preventing me from getting through," the older Master admitted. "Is there anyway you can track which exit he might have left from and when? If we can get that much information, I might be able to at least have an idea of where to look for him."   
  
"I'll contact the front desk immediately, and notify them that you and I will be arriving there shortly," the Councilor replied. "I am also going to contact Master Gallia, she is probably the best we have at tracking those who don't want to be found."   
  
Flinching at the meaning underlying Mace's words, Qui-Gon could only nod as he cut the connection.   
  
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_I guess I knew I was in danger. I knew that the lower levels were not a good place to be and I knew that there was a reason that even the most seasoned of Knights didn't want to venture down there, but it just didn't occur to me that there was any problem with me being in harm's way. It wasn't like I was really even worth hurting. I felt like a ghost, totally ignored and totally alone. _  
  
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When Qui-Gon reached the front desk, he was surprised to see Adi Gallia already there and discussing the situation with the Twi'lek at the desk. The Council member was impeccably dressed and styled as usual, giving no indication of it being the middle of the night.   
  
"Master Jinn," Adi greeted as she felt the distraught Master's arrival. "It appears that Obi-Wan may have left through one of the side exits a few hours ago. He had his robe and boots on, but it appears that he was wearing only light pants and a tunic."   
  
"Obi-Wan usually sleeps in an outfit similar to that," Qui-Gon supplied, unexplainably shaken at the image of his young Padawan wandering the streets of Coruscant in his sleep clothes.   
  
"The outside video feeds didn't pick up anything that would indicate where he might have gone," Adi continued. "Is there any place you can think of that he would have gone to?"   
  
"There is no where that he would go in sleep clothes," he growled, startling the Padawan at the desk with the vehemence of his tone. "I have no idea what would have possessed him to go out wandering like this."   
  
"Well, once we find him, we can determine that too," Master Windu interjected as he arrived and moved to view the images the desk-duty Padawan had recorded. Studying the slightly blurred image, Mace continued. "I suggest we split up and begin searching the levels surrounding the side exit. He probably hasn't gone far."   
  
Nodding their agreement, Qui-Gon and Adi quickly determined which areas each would search before the three Masters headed out into the dark Coruscanti night to find the lost Padawan.   
  
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As the cool night air whistled around him, Obi-Wan began to shiver. His robe kept him from being truly cold, but the lack of heat on the lower levels was barely tolerable. Rising up from his dark thoughts at the sudden chill, the young Padawan quickly realized just how dangerous of a situation he had wandered into.   
  
"You're a long way from home little Jedi," a voice hissed from the shadowy recesses of the alley before him.   
  
"What? No Master to protect you little one?" another voice cackled, joining in on the first one's fun.   
  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude," Obi-Wan apologized, as he began to back away from the menacing voices.   
  
"It's too late to be sorry," the first voice stated, as a figure detached itself from the dark shadows and moved to stand in front of the young Jedi. "You're in our home, _Jedi _and we don't like your kind around here."   
  
Taking in the appearance of the large Bothan, Obi-Wan reached immediately for his lightsaber. The Force was screaming a warning to him, but even without its presence, he would have known that the man was dangerous. As his hand reached inside his robe, grasping only empty air, the young Padawan truly began to feel fear.


	11. 10

Author's note: Thank you again to all of you who read and reviewed.  I had a request to repost the link to my yahoo group, but I can't get the link to transfer to HTML for whatever reason.  My group can be found on yahoo by searching for CalaisKenobi.  I'm also on live journal and a link can be found there.  The group isn't up and running yet, so there's no rush.  Thank you!

*******

As he stepped outside of the Jedi Temple, Master Jinn immediately tried to reach for his apprentice through the training bond again. Although he was reasonably certain that leaving the Temple would not be enough of a change to allow him to break through Obi-Wan's shielding, something prompted Qui-Gon to try. Reaching out with every ounce of Force energy he could muster, the Master sent a powerful probe out along the training bond.   
  
Although he expected no response, Qui-Gon was still disappointed when the probe merely broke against the colluding factors of distance and the titanium shielding Obi-Wan was maintaining. Releasing a quick sigh of frustration, Master Jinn had no choice but to search for his apprentice using the same methods Adi and Mace were employing. Using the Force to enhance his senses, he scanned the alleyway that ran along the edge of the Temple, quickly catching sight of his first lead. Swiftly approaching the huddled shadow he could just barely make out among the detritus of the alley, Qui-Gon spoke.   
  
"I am hoping that you can help me to find a friend of mine," he declared, as he stopped before the crouched figure of a young man. Although the Force vastly improved his visual acuity, he still could not make out much more than a shock of dirty blonde hair and an oversized, and equally grimy tunic.   
  
"I don't know nothing or nobody!" the boy cried, as he skittered back from the imposing figure of the Jedi.   
  
"I am not going to hurt you," Master Jinn said, pitching his tone to be as non-threatening as possible. "I am merely looking for… my son… and I need to find him before something happens to him."   
  
"Jedi don't have kids," the boy replied warily, though he stopped his backward retreat into the shadows.   
  
"No, we don't," Qui-Gon sighed. "But Obi-Wan is the closest thing to a son I have ever, or will ever have and I am worried about him. If you can help me to find him, I would be in your debt…"   
  
"Adonik," the boy supplied, when he realized that the Jedi was asking his name. "And if he's your son, how come he ran from you?"   
  
Squatting down so that he was more on the level of Adonik, Qui-Gon ran a hand through the unruly mass of his hair. "I made a mistake, and I didn't help Obi-Wan when he needed me. Now I am hoping that I can make it up to him before it is too late."   
  
Squinting his eyes and apparently judging the value and merit of the Master's revelation, Adonik paused for several moments before nodding, satisfied with whatever conclusions he had drawn. "A young Jedi left through that door awhile ago and headed down toward Cressik's," he explained, pointing in the direction of the well-known diner. "I think he might have taken the lifts down to the lower levels from there though, since I normally don't hear the lifts operating at this time of night otherwise."   
  
Rising to his feet once more, Qui-Gon offered a hand to the young street dweller. "Thank you very much for your assistance. My name is Qui-Gon Jinn, and should you ever require anything, you need only come to the Temple and ask for me, and I will do everything I can to assist you."   
  
Accepting the wary nod as the only response he was likely to get, Master Jinn turned and took off in a slight jog in the direction Adonik had indicated. As he drew nearer and nearer to the silent lifts, he offered a plea to the Force. \Please, please don't let Obi-Wan have gone to the lower levels at this time of night… please\   
  
*********************************************   
_  
I was scared. At first that surprised me, since it was so odd to feel anything. It seemed like so much time had passed since I had felt anything at all, that the fear was almost a good thing. And then, as the novelty of the emotion faded, I began to wonder just what it was I was afraid of. Why had I allowed myself into such a situation if I was afraid of death? Wasn't that really what I was craving when I chose to wander at such a late hour in such a dangerous place? _  
  
*********************************************   
  
Swallowing against the bitter tang of fear that had risen in his throat, Obi-Wan strove to calm his mind as the large Bothan was joined by several other figures. \You are a Jedi. Regardless of how poor of a Jedi you might be, you know that fear leads to the Darkside, and giving in to that is one thing you would never do to your Master\   
  
"I didn't know that I was in your 'home,'" Obi-Wan said softly, once he had his fear somewhat under control. "I will be more than happy to leave, if you could simply tell me just where it is that the boundaries of your home end."   
  
"Little Jedi, this whole area is our home, and like Noci said, it's too late for you to be sorry," the tall Chagrian explained, stepping forward until he stood nearly beside Obi-Wan.   
  
"And we don't like people who come to our home without being invited." The Twi'lek added, coming to stand at the young Jedi's other side.   
  
"And we especially don't like…" one of the human males called, joining the other three group members in effectively fencing Obi-Wan in.   
  
"JEDI!" the entire gang finished, apparently completing a familiar motto.   
  
"So the question is, little Jedi," the Bothan ringleader sneered, "just what exactly are we going to do with you?"


	12. 11

_Author's note:  One of these days I'll find a way to please everyone __J__  Until then, the length of the story chapters will be differing.  I'll eventually find a happy medium I'm sure.  Thanks again for all of the reviews, and please feel free to email or IM me if you have questions or just want to chat.  The yahoo group is on my list of things to do, but right now the big move is taking up a lot of my time.  Thanks!_

_***************_

_They say that whenever a person faces a dangerous situation, they respond by either "fight" or "flight." Well, I guess this is yet another case where I am not quite normal. I just stood there. I didn't really know what to do. Here I am, trained for this very sort of thing, and I was frozen. Part of me was saying "get the heck out of here!" and the second half was telling me that this is exactly what I had come looking for. So I guess when that first punch came at me, I was still too busy trying to decide what to do that I didn't even try to block it. Or maybe that second half of me was really right… _  
  
*********************************************   
  
As the lift carried him down to the lower levels, Qui-Gon centered himself within the Force and again attempted to reach Obi-Wan through the bond. Although he still could not break through the shielding, he was soon close enough to get a fix on the errant Padawan's location. \Obi-Wan, what in the galaxy are you doing in that neighborhood at this time of night?\ Qui-Gon groaned internally, fervently wishing the lift would move faster.   
  
Although he was quite pleased with his Padawan's progress with his 'saber skills and hand-to-hand fighting, Qui-Gon knew that Obi-Wan was not yet ready to face such terrible conditions alone. A trip to the lower levels at such a time of night was practically guaranteed to result in some from of a crime, and the Master had to wonder just what it was that his apprentice had been seeking. He knew Obi-Wan was not looking to buy any illicit substance, so that left only one reason for the young Padawan to have wandered into such danger. \Oh Padawan, why didn't I try harder to get you to talk to me?\   
  
*********************************************   
_  
The first hit wasn't even that bad. I guess my wonderful "defensive training" came in useful for something… it taught me how to accept the pain of a non-pulled punch. But then they just kept coming, and coming, and soon something in me snapped. Maybe I suddenly realized that I wanted to live, or maybe my mind just shut down and my body decided to take over in self-preservation. Regardless, I suddenly started to fight back… only it was just a bit too late. _  
  
*********************************************   
  
The little Jedi was proving to be a boring fight. Noci had always heard that Jedi were fearsome and powerful warriors, but this weakling wasn't doing a thing except standing there. Granted, he hadn't yet made a single sound of pain, but what was the fun in pounding on a silent statue?   
  
Just as he had decided to call his men off and end things then and there, the Jedi began to fight back. Noci stepped back toward the shadows of the alley, watching and appraising the boy's skills as he took on the remaining four members of the gang. The boy's moves were considerably slowed by the obvious agony he was in, and his automatic protection of his wounded ribs left many openings, but the youngling was still quite the fighter. It was only when Quist brought a pipe down on the little Jedi's head that the gang again had the upper hand in the fight. The blood streaming down the boy's face had blocked his vision, and it was apparent that he was fighting the pull of unconsciousness.   
  
Debating whether or not to call off the fight and allow the boy the chance to live, Noci stepped forward toward the center of the battle. Just as he was about to step into the light, he caught sight of a blur in the main street just beyond the edge of the alleyway. Something told him to remain hidden in the shadows, and he listened to his instincts, slipping back farther until he could barely see the members of his gang and the rapidly approaching figure. He had just come to a stop deep within the shadowed depths when the apparition appeared at the end of the alleyway.   
  
With long hair flowing behind him, and dangerously lit blue eyes surveying the fight, the man suddenly held up a glowing rod of fire and all of the gang's attention was drawn to the dark avenging angel.   
  
"Touch him again, and you will pay with your lives."   
  
*********************************************   
  
The lift finally reached the level where Obi-Wan's presence was the strongest, and Qui-Gon sprinted from the car almost before the doors had finished opening. Calling on the Force to enhance his speed, he ran down the narrowly twisting street, homing unerringly on the signature of his apprentice. Though he could not make contact with his Padawan, the swirling emotions of anger and hate were enough to tell him that Obi-Wan had met with trouble, and that no more time could be wasted.   
  
As he drew nearer to the dark mouth of one of the dead-ended alleyways, Qui-Gon reached to his belt and unfastened his lightsaber. Though a Jedi rarely, if ever, took an armed offense, the Master refused to risk his apprentice's life simply for the sake of the code. Holding the unlighted hilt in the palm of his hand, Qui-Gon slowed until he was just barely at a jog, drawing closer and closer to the obvious sounds of a struggle.   
  
Just as he reached the edge of the dark alleyway, the sounds ceased and an eerie red light filtered through the murkiness. Reaching to ignite his own 'saber, Qui-Gon was halted at the familiar voice that then spoke: _"Touch him again and you will pay with your lives." _  
  
*********************************************   
  
The pain had increased exponentially until he thought that there was no possible way he could bear it any longer. Even with the help of the Force, Obi-Wan was still in unbearable agony. Just when he thought his situation couldn't possibly get any worse, it began to get better. It was as if he had managed to disassociate completely from his own body, freeing his mind from the torture he should've been experiencing   
  
As his vision began to fog and his tenuous grip on consciousness began to slip something changed. Fighting back the gripping claws of oblivion, Obi-Wan lifted his heavy lashes to focus on the vision before him. Though the film of blood over his eyes painted the world a hazy red, Obi-Wan was certain that the lightsaber he saw being held just over him was crimson in color. \But my Master doesn't have a crimson 'saber\ he thought wearily as he struggled to focus in on the face of his savior.   
  
Just as his battle with unconsciousness failed, the name that went with the fierce face of his rescuer slipped past his bruised and swollen lips. _"Xanatos…"_


	13. 12

Author's Note:  Thank you again to all of the reviewers.  Again, the yahoo group is completely blank right now, but I am hoping to have it up and running as soon as my move is done.  Right now the need for electricity, a phone, and signing the lease IN BLOOD, has taken my time.

"Before you say a word, _Master, _I suggest we get Obi-Wan some medical attention," Xanatos stated, "and perhaps we should deal with these… individuals… as well," he finished motioning toward the gang members who still stood frozen in fear at the sight of the crimson blade.   
  
"Xanatos, I don't know what kind of a game you are playing," Qui-Gon declared, as he ignited his own emerald 'saber, "but if you hurt Obi-Wan…"   
  
"If I was going to harm him, I wouldn't have saved him," Xanatos scoffed. "Now are you going to help me, or do I need to do everything myself."   
  
Pausing and weighing the sincerity in his fallen apprentice's tone, Qui-Gon finally nodded. "This changes nothing, Xanatos. I will still arrest you for your crimes against the Republic." Turning to address the gang members, he spoke before his fallen apprentice could form a reply. "You have attacked one of the members of the Republic's peacekeeping forces, and as such are subject to the laws of the Galactic Senate. You will be remanded into custody, until such a time as the Senate is able to arrange for your trial."   
  
As the Jedi Master gave the Senate-mandated speech to the four criminals, Xanatos extinguished his blade and knelt down beside the unconscious Obi-Wan. Gently feeling along his neck for a pulse, the fallen Jedi released a sigh of relief as he found it. Calling on the Force, he began to channel it into the Padawan's body, using it to halt the internal bleeding and to begin to repair the extensive damage.   
  
Feeling the stirrings within the Force, Qui-Gon turned from where he had herded the gang members up against the wall to face his former apprentice. "What are you doing to him?" he demanded stalking up behind the crouched man.   
  
"I am trying to save his life, _Master," _Xanatos sighed.   
  
"Do not call me that," the Jedi Master ordered, crouching down on the other side of Obi-Wan where he could keep an eye on the gang members. "I am no longer your Master."   
  
"Very well, Master Jinn," Xanatos stated in clipped tones. "Now, if you have finished interrogating me and ordering me around, perhaps I can go back to saving Obi-Wan's life."   
  
Biting back the sharp retort that automatically rose to his lips, Qui-Gon stood back up and pulled his comm. link from his utility belt. Entering the code for Master Windu with the hand he was not holding his lightsaber in, he waited for the familiar voice to come over the line.   
  
"Mace here."   
  
"Mace, I've found him," Qui-Gon said. "We are on the lower levels near the old refinery. He's going to need a Healer as soon as possible."   
  
"I'll call one from the Temple and we'll meet you there," Master Windu answered.   
  
"Thank you," Qui-Gon answered simply, switching off his link. Approaching the four gang members again, the Master Jedi withdrew a length of twine from his utility belt. Using it to bind their hands, one to another, he then tied the end of the length onto one of the metal brackets stretching off of the alley wall. Once assured that they were unable to go anywhere, he turned his attention back to his former and his present apprentices.   
  
*********************************************   
  
Master Adi Gallia had only been a few levels away when Mace called to inform her of Obi-Wan's condition, and as such, she was the first to arrive on the scene. Slowing from her Force-enhanced sprint, she cautiously entered the mouth of the alleyway, freezing as she identified the figure hunched over the injured Padawan.   
  
"Xanatos DeCrion, I should have guessed that you'd have something to do with this," Adi growled, as she ignited her lightsaber.   
  
"Oh, yes, of course "big bad Xanatos" is responsible for the Jedi Order's characteristic "ignore it and it will go away" attitude toward the galaxy," Xanatos sneered, rising to his feet at the same time that Qui-Gon reached out a hand to intercept Adi's approach.   
  
"Adi, he saved Obi-Wan's life," Qui-Gon murmured softly, as he wrapped his hand around her bicep.   
  
"Oh, well isn't that convenient," Master Gallia scoffed, shaking loose of his hold. "He's just in time to save the day, right?"   
  
"Well if I had waited any longer for the great and wonderful Jedi Order to do something, you'd be finding a dead body!" Xanatos replied as he moved toward the exit of the alleyway. Halted by Adi's blade, the fallen apprentice reached for his own lightsaber hilt, which he had reattached to his belt.   
  
"No…" a barely audible whisper interrupted, drawing the attention of the three toward the just-conscious Obi-Wan. "Please just let him go."   
  
"Padawan, Xanatos is a criminal…" Qui-Gon began; only to be interrupted by a harsh groan from his apprentice as Obi-Wan tried to sit up.   
  
"You shouldn't try to move yet," Xanatos said, ignoring the two Jedi Masters as he again dropped to his knees beside Obi-Wan. "I wasn't able to completely repair all of the damage, and you are still badly injured."   
  
Nodding his head slightly in understanding, Obi-Wan nonetheless raised one shaky hand to Xanatos's arm. "Thank you," he whispered, just before his eyelashes fluttered, signaling his return to unconsciousness.


	14. 13

Author's Note:  What the heck, here's two posts for ya'll. 

******************

Smoothing a surprisingly gently hand over the Padawan's forehead, Xanatos leaned down and whispered something softly into Obi-Wan's ear. Knowing that the young Jedi had heard him, despite his current unconscious state, Xanatos carefully freed Obi-Wan's braid from where it had become twisted under him before rising again to his feet. All of the suppressed hostility and tension that was so much a part of the fallen Jedi seemed to have disappeared, leaving behind a man who looked much too young for the weight he obviously bore on his shoulders.   
  
"He will be all right for now," Xanatos stated solemnly, refusing to lift his blue eyes from where they focused on the alleyway beneath him. "The Temple Healers should be able to repair any of the _physical _damage."   
  
Catching the stress on the word "physical," Qui-Gon took a step toward his former apprentice; halting as Xanatos seemed to flinch away from him. "What do you mean?" the Jedi Master asked, softly enough that Adi Gallia would not have heard had she not used her Force-enhanced senses.   
  
"Obi-Wan has a very important place to serve if the Jedi Order is to survive the next several years," Xanatos answered softly. "You must take care of him, Qui-Gon. He will have much to bear in the future, when he will be completely alone. For now, he needs your strength to rely on."   
  
"What are you planning Xanatos?" Adi hissed, as she raised her still-ignited 'saber into a battle stance.   
  
Raising weary azure eyes that were suspiciously wet, Xanatos swallowed audibly. "I am not planning anything. You have nothing to fear from me, I won't live long enough to pose any threat to you or the Jedi Order. My life is forfeit for helping, and it was a sacrifice I was willing to make." Taking a shaky breath, the former Jedi continued uninterrupted. "When I left the Order, I thought I had found my place in life. And then when I began to call on the Darkside of the Force, I knew that I would be the most powerful Force-user ever. Little did I know, I was only a pawn in a game…"   
  
"You can't honestly expect us to believe you," Master Gallia scoffed, before turning to address Qui-Gon. "He's just trying to play on your emotions, Qui-Gon. You shouldn't listen to him. He should be arrested and Force-blinded immediately."   
  
"You speak as if there is someone out there that has some kind of control over you," Qui-Gon commented shrewdly, ignoring the Councilor's comments.   
  
Smiling a humorless grin, Xanatos sighed. "Yes, my life is no longer my own… if it ever did belong to me. I can't tell you who _he _is, but suffice it to say that he has an inordinate amount of interest in Obi-Wan, and will jump on any opportunity you give him to rid the galaxy of the boy."   
  
"He sent these men after him?" Master Jinn questioned, raising an eyebrow.   
  
"No, he did not send these men," the fallen Jedi trailed off.   
  
"He sent you."   
  
Nodding in response, Xanatos waited for the outburst he knew was sure to come from his former Master. Instead, he was shocked when Qui-Gon embraced him. At first he tried to pull away, but eventually he relaxed into the unexpected show of affection. It had been too long since he had last had contact with someone who was not trying to hurt him in some way.   
  
"Thank you," the Jedi Master stated, after releasing his former apprentice. "I am not sure why I believe you, or even if I should, but the Force tells me that you have changed."   
  
"I'd like to think that I have," Xanatos answered with only a semblance of his usual charm. "In any case, I must be leaving before I put you in any danger. Please take care of Obi-Wan, he is more important than you can ever fathom."   
  
Stepping back, and nodding softly as he appraised his former enemy and even more former friend, Qui-Gon smiled sadly. "Be careful Xanatos. And know that if you ever need me, I will be there."   
  
"Thank you… Master," Xanatos replied, before turning to exit the alleyway. At a stern glance and a slight Force-shove from Master Jinn, Adi Gallia stepped to the side and allowed the fallen Jedi to slip past her, disappearing almost immediately into the inky black of the night.   
  
*********************************************   
  
"You do realize that it is entirely up to you to explain to the Council why we just let a wanted fugitive escape, don't you?" Master Gallia asked, as she walked beside Qui-Gon, following the stretcher that bore the injured Obi-Wan toward the Jedi Temple.   
  
"What the Council doesn't know…" Master Jinn began, only to be stopped by a stern look and an even more persuasive growl from the Council Member. Sighing, he nodded. "Allow me to attend to my Padawan first, and then I will address the Council on this issue."   
  
Accepting Qui-Gon's offer, Adi removed her comm. link from her belt, turning it on and setting it to Master Windu's frequency. Tuning out the two Councilor's discussion regarding the dispensation of the captured gang members, Qui-Gon turned his attention toward the puzzle that was his former apprentice. \Why did he come back to save Obi-Wan if he knew it would cost him his life? Was it all some kind of elaborate scheme? How could he have possibly known where Obi-Wan was going to be, though?\   
  
Vowing to check his Padawan and their quarters over thoroughly for any tracking or listening devices, Qui-Gon moved forward until he was even with the stretcher. Gently grasping Obi-Wan's uninjured hand in his own; the Jedi Master dismissed his other thoughts until a later time. For now, his Padawan needed him, and he vowed that he would be there for him no matter what.


	15. 14

Author's Note:  Thanks again to everyone who's reviewed!  Reviews make me write more and faster!

Bright light assaulted his sensitive eyes as they flickered open to take in the all too familiar sight of the infirmary. Groaning softly, Obi-Wan attempted to bring a hand up to his face to block out the bright lighting, but was impeded by several wires and cords that connected him to the machinery beside him. The feeling of being trapped caused him to rise to full consciousness.   
  
"Mahhster?" he questioned, his voice muzzled by sleep.   
  
"Padawan?" an equally gruff voice responded from the opposite side of the room, causing the younger Jedi to swivel his stiff neck toward the source. His Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, was perched somewhat precariously on the window ledge that ran under the small curtained portal.   
  
"Why am I…?" Obi-Wan began before the tightness in his throat encouraged him to stop his attempts at speech.   
  
"You were involved in an incident on the lower levels and were injured," Qui-Gon explained gently as he rose from his uncomfortable seat to move to his apprentice's bedside. "You should try to get some more sleep, it is still quite early in the morning."   
  
Nodding his head gently, lest he disturb the headache he could feel slowly building, Obi-Wan allowed unconsciousness to once again claim him.   
  
*********************************************   
  
Adjusting the cords and monitors that adorned his apprentice's arms, Qui-Gon pulled the soft flannel sheet up to cover the signs of abuse that marred the young Jedi. Although Xanatos had done an admirable job in repairing the major damage done by Obi-Wan's unfortunate foray to the lower levels, the dark Jedi had been unable to completely heal the multitudes of injuries.   
  
Crossing the room again to the window ledge, Qui-Gon perched on the ledge and watched the traffic buzzing past the small window. He had drawn the curtain mostly closed to keep the dawning light from awakening his apprentice, but over the years, he had found that there was nothing better to aide in his long vigils at his Padawan's bedside than the constant traffic flow of the Republic. The ever-changing scenery allowed him to remain awake, yet it wasn't enough of a distraction to keep him from his meditative thoughts.   
  
The Soul Healer assigned to Obi-Wan had visited earlier, greeting Qui-Gon as if he were a friend, rather than the usual sterile greeting of a medical professional. Although he still had reservations about whether or not this was really what was best for Obi-Wan, the Jedi Master had found that the Soul Healer's gentle approach had gone a long ways toward convincing him of the rightness of his choice. The Soul Healer had also impressed Qui-Gon with her questions. Master Deehu Saand had inquired about Obi-Wan's prognosis and had offered to stay with the apprentice if Qui-Gon needed to take a break in his vigil.   
  
She had also refrained from asking him the frustratingly open-ended analysis-worthy questions he had come to associate with anyone calling herself a Soul Healer. His experiences with one after Xanatos's turning had soured him on the profession as a whole, but Master Saand had already done much to assuage his inaccurate assumptions.   
  
"I'm not here to analyze you or Obi-Wan," she had explained with a soft smile as he had inadvertently commented on her lack of probing questions. "Eventually I will want to attempt to learn more about what has been bothering your apprentice, but for now it is important that he recover physically and that he knows he is still secure here within the Temple."   
  
Master Deehu Saand's visit had only lasted a few moments, and by the time she left, Qui-Gon found he was much more comfortable with the idea of taking his apprentice to a Soul Healer. Although she had been afforded the longest visit, Master Saand had not been the only visitor Obi-Wan had received in the hours following the last of his surgeries. The entire Jedi Council, led by Master Yoda, had visited and several other of Qui-Gon's friends had also offered support. The greatest turnout of well-wishers had by far come from Obi-Wan's own personal acquaintances, however. The Master Jedi had not even known just how much his apprentice had come to mean to so many.   
  
Bant, Garen, Reeft, Siri and N'erak had remained outside in the recovery waiting room through the long hours between surgeries, and it had only been the insistence of their Masters that had led the five other Padawans away. All had vowed to return as swiftly as possible when they had been allowed a few moments to visit an unconscious Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon had to excuse himself to wipe the tears that had been running from his eyes at the strong showing of support. Though Obi-Wan had been injured many times on missions, he had never before been so close to death as he was upon his arrival at the Temple. The young Padawan had never managed to be injured quite so severely on Coruscant previously, either.   
  
The thought of his apprentice's apparent suicide attempt caused the Master to cringe inwardly. He knew that Obi-Wan had not seriously intended to be hurt, but the Padawan's actions still spoke strongly to an unconscious intent. Obi-Wan had wandered, however inadvertently, to the most dangerous levels of the Republic Capital, and had done so without even the protection his lightsaber could have afforded him. Though a Jedi never used his weapon in anything other than defense, it could still serve as a powerful deterrent against any would-be attackers.   
  
\Why did you feel you needed to run from the Temple so desperately that you didn't even pause to change clothes or take your 'saber with you?\ Qui-Gon again asked the difficult question that raged unendingly within his mind. He knew that Obi-Wan could not answer in his current condition, but it did not stop the Master from obsessing over the disturbing puzzle. Obi-Wan had clearly been courting death, and he had almost succeeded.   
  
His thoughts rolling in a disturbed tumble, Master Jinn continued his silent perusal of the Courscanti traffic as his apprentice lay healing in the small Medbed behind him.


	16. 15

Please forgive the delay in posting. I've entered "the real world" after college graduation and have time for little but working and crying as the bills appear every day! :)

* * *

"I don't understand," Qui-Gon stated again, his calm voice failing to conceal his exasperation. "This doesn't fit Obi-Wan at all," he continued, gesturing to the datapad he held in his hand.

"You have to understand, Qui-Gon," the soul healer explained, "there are as many different types of people that are diagnosed with this, as there are stars in the sky. This list only provides a means of diagnosis. Not every trait will fit, nor will every trait fit to the same extent as perhaps another. There are also different ways of expressing these traits as well."

"But Obi-Wan doesn't really fit any of these!" Qui-Gon exclaimed yet again. He and Master Deehu Saand had been discussing the diagnosis ever since the Soul Healer had suggested it after receiving the results from the test she had administered to his apprentice. "He doesn't try to avoid abandonment, he doesn't have unstable relationships, he isn't impulsive or suicidal, nor does he ever show paranoia. And as for the anger, he is a Jedi, he releases it the Force."

"Does he Qui-Gon?" Deehu asked, as she motioned for him to sit again. "Does Obi-Wan refuse to show emotion because he is releasing it to the Force, or because he is unable to feel it in the first place?"

"Is there a difference?" Qui-Gon questioned, as he settled into the chair opposite Master Saand's desk. "The Jedi Code had been taught to him since almost before he could walk. How could you expect him to show emotion, when that is one of the most basic tenets of the Code?"

Sighing, Deehu leaned back in her chair. "The Jedi Code demands that we release our emotions to the Force, instead of allowing them to guide our actions as Jedi. It does not imply that we should not _feel, _only that we should not allow such feelings to lead us. Obi-Wan's problem is that he doesn't feel at all. He buries his emotions so deeply that he doesn't even know what he is experiencing. Where the rest of us feel the emotion, then release it, Obi-Wan just buries it unknowingly."

Nodding in a grudging acceptance that Deehu could be right, Qui-Gon continued. "Obi-Wan doesn't try to avoid abandonment, though. That seems to be one of the most central parts of this…" he hesitated, unable to even speak of the disorder. "And Obi-Wan certainly is not impulsive nor suicidal."

"Not impulsive or suicidal?" Master Saand exclaimed, her eyebrows rising. "How many times has Obi-Wan been in the Healers Ward in the past few cycles?" Seeing Qui-Gon flinch and open his mouth to argue, she forged on. "And why is Obi-Wan in the Healers Ward now?"

"He is a Jedi, it's dangerous…" Master Jinn replied.

"And you are not a Jedi?" Deehu prodded. "You don't seem to end up in the Healers Ward nearly as often."

"Obi-Wan is young, he has much to learn," Qui-Gon defended. "He is not as adept yet."

Sighing again, Master Saand swiveled her chair around until her back faced the other Master to allow him some space. "It is not an easy diagnosis to accept," she began softly. "No one wants to accept this about themselves or a loved one, but Obi-Wan needs help, and to get the help he needs, you need to accept that he has a problem."

Running his hand over his face and scrubbing at his eyes, Qui-Gon studied the datapad before him again. He had to admit that a lot of the criteria seemed to fit, even though he had tried to argue it, but he did not want to accept that Obi-Wan had such an illness. Scanning through the pages again, he noticed something he had previously missed. "Obi-Wan is still an adolescent," he stated dumbly, raising his blue eyes to meet Deehu's as she turned to face him again. "It says here that this isn't diagnosed until adulthood at the earliest."

"Except in extreme cases," Master Saand finished, quoting the rest of the script Qui-Gon was only now reading. Rising from her chair, she came around to stand in front of the desk, leaning her weight back against it. "I know that this is not easy to accept, but your Padawan needs you now. You need to accept this, and begin to get him the help he needs. If you allow this to continue…" Pausing to catch Qui-Gon's distressed gaze with her own concerned one, she finished. "… Obi-Wan may take even more drastic measures to get your attention."

"What do you mean?" Master Jinn questioned, alarm in his voice.

"Qui-Gon…" Deehu hesitated, but knowing she needed to reveal the information, she pressed on. "Twenty-five percent of those who have Borderline Personality Disorder succeed in committing suicide. It is a very real threat, and it is something that I fear Obi-Wan may try if we do not help him _now." _

* * *

Obi-Wan sat quietly in the Medbed, watching the traffic flowing outside of his window. Bant sat in the chair beside him, but she too was silent. The younger Padawan had tried to engage him in conversation, but he found that he would rather be alone. He knew that Bant was only trying to be friendly, but her presence made him somewhat uncomfortable. As if sensing his feelings, she had fallen silent, and remained at his bedside only because Master Jinn had asked her to.

As the afternoon light faded slowly to the "dark" of a Coruscant night, the two Jedi sat silently side by side; one lost in his thoughts, and the other fearing that she may have truly lost the laughing young boy who had once been her best friend.

_

* * *

_

_I knew they were talking about me. I guess it didn't really even bother me. I mean, heck, it wasn't as if I should know what they were saying right? I mean, it's only my life after all… not like it should matter to me or anything. _

The hours passed in silence, and yet Bant wouldn't leave. I know she was only trying to be a friend, but didn't she realize how stressful it was having her around? I mean, I have to be this "great Padawan" when she or anyone else is around, and I really just didn't have the energy for it today. I just wanted to be alone, so that I could sleep or something. Actually, I'm not sure what I would have done had she left, but I know that I really wanted her to leave. Somehow things would have been better if she wasn't there. I would have stopped feeling so empty, and so tired, and so… me… if I could've just been alone.

* * *

NOTE: I am not done with this story yet… but it has taken a personal turn I didn't entirely expect. I am not sure where the story goes from here, as it has happened yet. I hope that so far it has been worth it, and I will try to get an update here again soon.

NOTE 2: Diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (DSM-IV TR)

_A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and presenting a variety of contexts as indicated by five (or more) of the following: _

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (AKA, trying to cling to the other person, or to threaten dangerous behaviors to prevent the other person from leaving)  
2. _a__ pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. _(A person with BPD is unable to see the world in terms other than black and white. Someone is either great, or they are evil, there is no mixing. A person with BPD will alternate between idolizing a person, and then drawing away from them because of a real or perceived error on the other's part)  
3. _identity__ disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self _(This is along the lines of the sociological "masks" theory, but much more distinct. We all play roles in our lives, but a person with BPD will be a markedly different person from situation to situation. They may even show situational competence in most situations, only "breaking down" in certain conditions. People with BPD are often perfectionistic, and therefore will "break down" when perfection is unattainable)  
4. _impulsivity__ in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging _(this includes marked risk taking, reckless driving, extreme spending, substance abuse, binge eating, etc)  
5. _recurrent__ suicidal behavior, gestures or threats  
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) _(A person with BPD fits the situation to their moods, rather than their mood to the situation. For example, most people would become happy upon receiving a bonus at work. Someone with BPD may be unhappy, and upon receiving the bonus will then consider that their unhappiness is somehow tied to the bonus, changing their perceptions of the event to fit their mood. (AKA, "I only got the bonus because others feel sorry for me"))  
7. _chronic__ feelings of emptiness  
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger _(People with BPD can "act out" and show their anger, or "act in" and take the anger out on themselves through intense feelings of guilt, or need for self penance)  
9. _transient__, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. _

NOTE 3: If you or someone you know fits these symptoms, please seek help. BPD is a dangerous disorder, and the suicide rates are among the highest within the mental health community. I am not a psychologist, nor a psychiatrist, and my diagnosis may not agree with that of someone trained in this field (though note 1 may explain why I felt comfortable giving it).


	17. 16

"I don't understand," Qui-Gon stated again, his calm voice failing to conceal his exasperation. "This doesn't fit Obi-Wan at all," he continued, gesturing to the datapad he held in his hand.

"You have to understand, Qui-Gon," the soul healer explained, "there are as many different types of people that are diagnosed with this, as there are stars in the sky. This list only provides a means of diagnosis. Not every trait will fit, nor will every trait fit to the same extent as perhaps another. There are also different ways of expressing these traits as well."

"But Obi-Wan doesn't really fit any of these!" Qui-Gon exclaimed yet again. He and Master Deehu Saand had been discussing the diagnosis ever since the Soul Healer had suggested it after receiving the results from the test she had administered to his apprentice. "He doesn't try to avoid abandonment, he doesn't have unstable relationships, he isn't impulsive or suicidal, nor does he ever show paranoia. And as for the anger, he is a Jedi, he releases it the Force."

"Does he Qui-Gon?" Deehu asked, as she motioned for him to sit again. "Does Obi-Wan refuse to show emotion because he is releasing it to the Force, or because he is unable to feel it in the first place?"

"Is there a difference?" Qui-Gon questioned, as he settled into the chair opposite Master Saand's desk. "The Jedi Code had been taught to him since almost before he could walk. How could you expect him to show emotion, when that is one of the most basic tenets of the Code?"

Sighing, Deehu leaned back in her chair. "The Jedi Code demands that we release our emotions to the Force, instead of allowing them to guide our actions as Jedi. It does not imply that we should not _feel, _only that we should not allow such feelings to lead us. Obi-Wan's problem is that he doesn't feel at all. He buries his emotions so deeply that he doesn't even know what he is experiencing. Where the rest of us feel the emotion, then release it, Obi-Wan just buries it unknowingly."

Nodding in a grudging acceptance that Deehu could be right, Qui-Gon continued. "Obi-Wan doesn't try to avoid abandonment, though. That seems to be one of the most central parts of this…" he hesitated, unable to even speak of the disorder. "And Obi-Wan certainly is not impulsive nor suicidal."

"Not impulsive or suicidal?" Master Saand exclaimed, her eyebrows rising. "How many times has Obi-Wan been in the Healers Ward in the past few cycles?" Seeing Qui-Gon flinch and open his mouth to argue, she forged on. "And why is Obi-Wan in the Healers Ward now?"

"He is a Jedi, it's dangerous…" Master Jinn replied.

"And you are not a Jedi?" Deehu prodded. "You don't seem to end up in the Healers Ward nearly as often."

"Obi-Wan is young, he has much to learn," Qui-Gon defended. "He is not as adept yet."

Sighing again, Master Saand swiveled her chair around until her back faced the other Master to allow him some space. "It is not an easy diagnosis to accept," she began softly. "No one wants to accept this about themselves or a loved one, but Obi-Wan needs help, and to get the help he needs, you need to accept that he has a problem."

Running his hand over his face and scrubbing at his eyes, Qui-Gon studied the datapad before him again. He had to admit that a lot of the criteria seemed to fit, even though he had tried to argue it, but he did not want to accept that Obi-Wan had such an illness. Scanning through the pages again, he noticed something he had previously missed. "Obi-Wan is still an adolescent," he stated dumbly, raising his blue eyes to meet Deehu's as she turned to face him again. "It says here that this isn't diagnosed until adulthood at the earliest."

"Except in extreme cases," Master Saand finished, quoting the rest of the script Qui-Gon was only now reading. Rising from her chair, she came around to stand in front of the desk, leaning her weight back against it. "I know that this is not easy to accept, but your Padawan needs you now. You need to accept this, and begin to get him the help he needs. If you allow this to continue…" Pausing to catch Qui-Gon's distressed gaze with her own concerned one, she finished. "… Obi-Wan may take even more drastic measures to get your attention."

"What do you mean?" Master Jinn questioned, alarm in his voice.

"Qui-Gon…" Deehu hesitated, but knowing she needed to reveal the information, she pressed on. "Twenty-five percent of those who have Borderline Personality Disorder succeed in committing suicide. It is a very real threat, and it is something that I fear Obi-Wan may try if we do not help him _now." _

Obi-Wan sat quietly in the Medbed, watching the traffic flowing outside of his window. Bant sat in the chair beside him, but she too was silent. The younger Padawan had tried to engage him in conversation, but he found that he would rather be alone. He knew that Bant was only trying to be friendly, but her presence made him somewhat uncomfortable. As if sensing his feelings, she had fallen silent, and remained at his bedside only because Master Jinn had asked her to.

As the afternoon light faded slowly to the "dark" of a Coruscant night, the two Jedi sat silently side by side; one lost in his thoughts, and the other fearing that she may have truly lost the laughing young boy who had once been her best friend.

* * *

_I knew they were talking about me. I guess it didn't really even bother me. I mean, heck, it wasn't as if I should know what they were saying right? I mean, it's only my life after all… not like it should matter to me or anything. _

The hours passed in silence, and yet Bant wouldn't leave. I know she was only trying to be a friend, but didn't she realize how stressful it was having her around? I mean, I have to be this "great Padawan" when she or anyone else is around, and I really just didn't have the energy for it today. I just wanted to be alone, so that I could sleep or something. Actually, I'm not sure what I would have done had she left, but I know that I really wanted her to leave. Somehow things would have been better if she wasn't there. I would have stopped feeling so empty, and so tired, and so… me… if I could've just been alone.

* * *

NOTE: I am not done with this story yet… but it has taken a personal turn I didn't entirely expect. I am not sure where the story goes from here, as it has happened yet. I hope that so far it has been worth it, and I will try to get an update here again soon.

NOTE 2: Diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder (DSM-IV TR)

_A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and presenting a variety of contexts as indicated by five (or more) of the following: _

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (AKA, trying to cling to the other person, or to threaten dangerous behaviors to prevent the other person from leaving)  
2. _a__ pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. _(A person with BPD is unable to see the world in terms other than black and white. Someone is either great, or they are evil, there is no mixing. A person with BPD will alternate between idolizing a person, and then drawing away from them because of a real or perceived error on the other's part)  
3. _identity__ disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self _(This is along the lines of the sociological "masks" theory, but much more distinct. We all play roles in our lives, but a person with BPD will be a markedly different person from situation to situation. They may even show situational competence in most situations, only "breaking down" in certain conditions. People with BPD are often perfectionistic, and therefore will "break down" when perfection is unattainable)  
4. _impulsivity__ in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging _(this includes marked risk taking, reckless driving, extreme spending, substance abuse, binge eating, etc)  
5. _recurrent__ suicidal behavior, gestures or threats  
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) _(A person with BPD fits the situation to their moods, rather than their mood to the situation. For example, most people would become happy upon receiving a bonus at work. Someone with BPD may be unhappy, and upon receiving the bonus will then consider that their unhappiness is somehow tied to the bonus, changing their perceptions of the event to fit their mood. (AKA, "I only got the bonus because others feel sorry for me"))  
7. _chronic__ feelings of emptiness  
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger _(People with BPD can "act out" and show their anger, or "act in" and take the anger out on themselves through intense feelings of guilt, or need for self penance)  
9. _transient__, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. _

NOTE 3: If you or someone you know fits these symptoms, please seek help. BPD is a dangerous disorder, and the suicide rates are among the highest within the mental health community. I am not a psychologist, nor a psychiatrist, and my diagnosis may not agree with that of someone trained in this field (though note 1 may explain why I felt comfortable giving it).


	18. END

_So much time has passed. I guess I've grown, changed, become a better person. Or perhaps that is merely the medicine talking. Am I truly happy, or am I merely being held up by yet another false front?_

* * *

As their transport stood waiting, Qui-Gon surreptitiously watched his Apprentice. The boy had grown into an incredible young man, strong in the Force, powerful in body and truly gifted in intellect. And yet, there still seemed to be a shadow that hung over the Padawan. Even if the young man had emerged from the shell he had once hidden in to become one of the most popular and well-known Jedi, there was still some ineffable hint of sorrow that surrounded Obi-Wan. 

"Are we ready Master?" the softly accented voice asked, startling the Master from his musing.

"I believe so, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon answered with a soft smile. "I suppose I should actually be asking you that question. It seems that while I've been standing around woolgathering, you've managed to, yet again, secure everything for our trip."

"I apologize Master," the Apprentice began, only to be cut off as Qui-Gon laid a hand on his shoulder.

"There is nothing to apologize for, Obi-Wan. If anything, I should ask your forgiveness for holding you back as much as I have," the Master said quietly. "You were ready to be a Knight nearly a fortnight ago, but I could not bear to have you leave my side."

"No Master," Obi-Wan denied vehemently. "I still have much to learn from you. I'm not ready to be on my own yet, now or possibly ever. You and I both know that the Council is extremely reluctant to allow a Jedi with a dependence such as mine out into the field alone. I will only serve the Jedi as long as I can stand by your side."

"Obi-Wan, there is not much more I can teach you," Qui-Gon declared. "And you might be surprised by the level of faith the Council has in you. Your "dependence" as you call it, is not as much a weakness as you think. In some ways, it may even have made you a stronger, and better Jedi," the Master finished cryptically.

Gently squeezing the shoulder still held in his grip, Qui-Gon gestured toward the lowering ramp. "It looks as if our pilots are ready for us to board. Lead the way Padawan."

With one last, deeply searching look into his Master's unfathomable blue eyes, the Apprentice turned and walked quickly up the boarding ramp unto the diplomatic shuttle, headed toward yet another trying negotiation with the Trade Federation.

_

* * *

_

_I'm not ready to stand on my own yet. I'm not nearly prepared enough to be a Jedi Knight. I hardly feel prepared to be a Padawan! I'm not ready for my Master to leave me yet… I need him to guide me and lead me. I wouldn't know who I was if I didn't have him to show me what a true Jedi is._

* * *

"Master, I have a bad feeling about this," Obi-Wan murmured quietly as he and Qui-Gon stood waiting for the Trade Federation Representative. 

"Do you sense a clear and present threat?" the Master asked, trusting in his Apprentice's stronger connection to the Unifying Force.

"Not yet," the Padawan whispered, after a few tense moments spent searching the rays of the Force. "But something is clearly wrong here. It would be best if we were cautious."

"Be on your guard then Padawan," Qui-Gon urged. "Let me know immediately if you feel anything else."

Nodding to show his understanding, Obi-Wan carefully shielded his mind and thoughts, tucking his arms up into the sleeves of his voluminous robe. Any who saw him, would merely see a silent and studious young Padawan, instead of the powerfully trained young Jedi that he was.

/If only my Padawan was not one of those caught up in the ruse of his own deceptive appearance/ Qui-Gon thought ruefully. /It is amazing that he doesn't see how ready he is to be a Knight… or even a Master…/

Maintaining the appearance of the stoic and silent Jedi Master, Qui-Gon carefully began to scan the room the two Jedi were currently waiting in, as well as the rest of the ship with a tendril of the Living Force. Although the Living Force could not detect the presence of the droids the Trade Federation was fond of utilizing, the dull void where life would usually be served as its own source of information.

As the Master began to warn his Apprentice of the large empty area clearly serving as a storage facility for the droids, the sound of sharp rapping footsteps stopped him. Turning his head slightly, Qui-Gon watched as a protocol droid entered the small waiting room carrying a tray of beverages.

"Master," Obi-Wan warned, seconds before a noxious gas began to permeate the room.

Sucking in a deep breath, the Jedi Master gathered the Force to him, preparing for the onslaught he now knew with absolute certainty awaited his Apprentice and him.

* * *

Had it not been for the skill of the Queen's pilots, the landing on Tatooine could have caused much more damage to the already besieged ship. As it was, Qui-Gon was uncertain he would even manage to find the necessary parts for the ship to ever fly again. However, Obi-Wan had chosen the planet, and his faith in his apprentice was absolute. Even if he did not believe it of himself, Obi-Wan's senses were much more sharply attuned than those of his Master.

"My Apprentice and I will journey to the nearest settlement. With luck, we will be back within a day or two with the parts."

"My handmaiden will accompany you," the Queen announced imperiously as she sat on the throne before the two Jedi. "I am curious as to the society and structure of this planet. I would like her to gather as much information as possible. It will be a valuable addition to the libraries of Naboo."

"With all due respect your Majesty," Qui-Gon stated, "our journey would be much quicker without an additional person. As well, it is important that you are kept protected aboard the ship. This planet is known for its rougher elements, and I would prefer to know you have the utmost protection available to you."

"Perhaps your Apprentice could remain with us?" the Queen asked, watching the quiet younger Jedi.

"My Apprentice's mechanical ability will be needed to determine what parts are necessary," the Master disagreed. "He is also more familiar with this planet, as his Temple studies were much more recent than my own."

"Then perhaps you should remain, Master Jinn," one of the handmaidens declared. "Our Queen is under great peril, and I do not believe she should merely remain guarded by our slight defense, when she could instead be protected by a Jedi Warrior. I can accompany your Apprentice and return as quickly as you would have."

"She is correct, Master," Obi-Wan stated, his soft voice easily carrying throughout the bay. "The Queen needs the best protection available. I will go to retrieve the parts and return as quickly as possible. The sooner we are off this planet, the better."

Pausing to consider his Apprentice's words, Qui-Gon found himself agreeing. If they had indeed been followed to the planet's surface, as it was likely, the ship would present a better target than two individuals among the sea of people in the settlement. And if, perchance, danger did come to the two on the surface, Qui-Gon knew his Apprentice was more than capable of protecting the true Queen.

"You are correct Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, before turning to once again fully address the 'Queen.' "Your Majesty, if your handmaiden will prepare herself, she and my Apprentice can head out at once."

_

* * *

_

_I've always hated being alone in my own head. It always seemed so dark and lonely. Somehow, this planet feels the same way. I don't know if it is the despair of the people stranded here, or something intrinsic to the very makeup of this place, but I know I do not wish to spend any more time here than necessary._

* * *

"The deal will be for the boy and his mother, or you can consider the whole deal off," Obi-Wan declared as he held the Toydarian's gaze. 

"You strike a hard bargain, Jedi," Watto finally admitted, after waiting a few more moments to see if the young man would back down. "But I will accept your terms."

Slapping hands to seal the deal, Obi-Wan concealed his relief at having managed to deal for both Anakin and Shmi. Leaving the woman behind was against everything the young Jedi believed in, even if Qui-Gon would be sure to disagree.

"The Queen will not approve of this," Padme hissed into Obi-Wan's ear as the Toydarian wandered off to begin spending the dactarians he was certain he would win.

"I believe the Queen is compassionate enough to not want to leave a child in such bad conditions," the Apprentice responded, as he picked his way through the milling racers toward where Anakin waited.

"Hmmph," Padme sighed, as she followed behind the young Jedi.

Smiling softly to himself, Obi-Wan found himself admiring the spunky young leader more and more. She seemed to have a poise and confidence well beyond her years… even if she was oftentimes a bit more confident than she should've been.

"Obi-Wan, can you believe how many people are here!" Anakin crowed as he noticed the Jedi's approach.

"I'm sure you won't even notice them once you get into your racing pod," Obi-Wan answered quietly, correctly realizing the young boy's fear and anxiety. A life of slavery had quickly taught the boy to hide his emotions behind a wall of false bravado and courage. It was something Obi-Wan could relate to.

"Anakin, be careful out there," Padme admonished as she joined Shmi Skywalker beside the racing pod.

"Don't worry Padme, this is nothing!" Anakin declared, flashing her a jaunty smile.

"Padme, why don't you and Ms. Skywalker find a good place for us to watch the race," the Jedi Apprentice suggested. "I'll be along as soon as I help Anakin finish getting ready."

Placing a weather worn hand on Padme's shoulder, Shmi smiled gratefully. "Anakin, we will be waiting for you. I'm so proud." Giving her son a quick hug, Shmi carefully herded the young Queen toward one of the viewing boxes.

"Anakin, it's all right to be nervous or scared," Obi-Wan stated nonchalantly as he carefully scanned the pod to make sure all the parts were in good working order. "It does not make you weak… actually, it makes you so much stronger than you know."

Determining that the Pod was in good order, except for a loose power coupling, Obi-Wan lifted the tow-headed boy into the cock-pit. "Remember, it is your natural reactions, be they fear or anger, that make you the person you are. Don't try to hide them, allow your emotions to guide you." Giving the boy one final encouraging smile, the Jedi Padawan stepped to the side just as the first warning bell went off.

_

* * *

_

_I see so much of myself in Anakin. And yet, he is so much better of a person than I can ever be. His insecurity and fear are understandable, and yet he should have nothing to be insecure about. Doesn't he realize how great of a person he already is, and how great of a Jedi he will be?_

* * *

His agreement with Watto taken care of, Obi-Wan quickly gathered Anakin, his mother and the Queen to him. "The parts will be delivered to the ship immediately. We should head back now. There's nothing more here for any of us." Rubbing a hand affectionately through Anakin's hair as he said the last, the Jedi Apprentice guided the two women to walk slightly behind him as they left the protection of the settlement's buildings, using his own slight bulk to block them from the billowing sand. 

As they neared the ship, a slight tingle in the Force caused Obi-Wan to hesitate. Turning, he quickly noticed the black swoop swiftly gaining on the foursome. "Anakin, guide your mother and Padme to the ship. Once you are on board, prepare to take-off."

Not questioning the commanding tone in the Jedi's voice, the young boy quickly grabbed his mother's and Padme's hands and led them at a swift pace toward the small ship. Even the sound of the igniting lightsaber behind him did not stop the boy from fulfilling the task set to him.

_

* * *

_

_I always knew that someday I would die. Death is an inevitable part of life. Even when I was younger and took that unfortunate side trip to the lower levels of Coruscant, I never really thought I could die. Yet as I stand here, looking death in the face, I realize that maybe life is something I didn't fully appreciate._

* * *

Battling the double edged 'saber was by far the hardest thing Obi-Wan had ever done. Although the apprentice had often fought two opponents at once, it was somehow easier when they were separated by more than a few inches of metal grip. Reeling from yet another hard blow, the Padawan took a step back to recoup. It was becoming clearer and clearer to the young Jedi that this was fight he could not hope to win. His opponent drew heavily from the Darkside of the Force, and the environment on Tatooine was much more conducive to all things dark than it would ever be to the Light. 

But on the tail of the realization that he could not win, came the knowledge that his defeat would lead to more than just his own death. As if a curtain had shifted in his mind, Obi-Wan suddenly had a more clear and graphic view of the future than he had ever received before. He could see a galaxy subsumed by Darkness, and in the center of it all, a boy who did not have the confidence or self-esteem to save himself from the Dark Force that consumed him.

Bolstered by the sudden fear and paradoxically, the sudden strength, that filled him, Obi-Wan began to fight back. Suddenly he was no longer fighting a losing battle. Instead, Obi-Wan tapped into his own inner strength for the first time in his life. The abilities that had carried him in his youth were mere wisps compared to the sudden power and life he felt flowing through his limbs. For the very first time, Obi-Wan began to believe in himself, as others had believed in him his entire life. And as his blows doubled and then tripled in strength and speed, his opponent began to falter, until the battle was swiftly and surely ended as the Sith's own weapon imploded from the sheer power battering against it.

Realizing his imminent defeat, the Dark warrior quickly attempted to retreat. Halted by the sure swiftness of the Jedi's lightsaber, the Sith resorted to his only option. Calling on the Dark Force, the Dark Warrior ended his own life.

_

* * *

_

_I would never have thought I was capable of so much. I honestly still don't believe I am. I know it seems like I should have had some kind of epiphany and a happy ending, I'm afraid my mind doesn't work that way. I am still second-guessing myself, wondering if there was a way I could have stopped the Sith from killing himself. For a Sith he most certainly was, and an Apprentice at that. Somewhere out there is a Master, merely biding his time for the next opportunity. _

_Right now, however, the Sith is the farthest thing from my mind. For while I realized that I truly am a Jedi; I also discovered something else. The Council was right to assume that I could never be a Knight. I would truly never want to be. My calling was something much different. As I sit waiting in my office for my next patient, my eyes drift over the holo on my desk. Qui-Gon stands proudly beside his Padawan, as Anakin Skywalker attains the Jedi Knighthood I never could. And beside Qui-Gon… is me. Not the Jedi Warrior I always thought I had to be, but the soul healer I became instead. As my patients enter my office, more than one has remarked on this holo sitting so proudly on my desk. For even I must admit, for that one glorious moment in time I truly look happy._

* * *

Can it really be over? YES! I am finally finished with this monster that took more out of me than I would ever have thought possible. Thank you for your feedback and suggestions. Please keep them coming, I'd love ideas on more to write :) 


End file.
